I promise I'm not dead, also I should not be allowed on pinterest

So... I got back from my Hawaii trip over the week and I still haven't written anything because I've been catching up on work and homework..... Plus, I've been playing around on the epic time suck known as Pinterest. Come to find out, I shouldn't be allowed on it. Not only has it taken up most of my free time at work, but I find myself singing made up songs while I pin....

(to the theme from The Smurfs)
"Shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes I love shoes! Look at these pretty green ones, I like those too! And those are really cute, I love oxfords too! Shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes I love shoes! Holy crap, look at these ones, they come in red! Miz mooz are pretty shoes and I just rhymed that. Oh look, I love Seychelles, they are so cute! Pretty shoes pretty shoes, shit there goes twenty minutes!"

It's like that for everything..... Zombie stuff, places I'd like to travel to, weird taxidermied animals..... Anyway, I'd just like to say that I apologize for not writing sooner and I promise a full recap of the trip as soon as I get around to it. To make up for my absence, here's a picture from the trip.

I can only assume this is where they make sacrifices to the
lava gods to keep their town safe.... Or maybe it's like the pit in
Army of Darkness and at the bottom are monsters that you can only
fight with a chainsaw hand and the cheesy one liners...

A little advice from the Queen

I'm the self-proclaimed Queen of Failed Relationships, and based on my experiences I'm going to share with you guys the wealth of knowledge I have. Basically, it comes from years and years of trial, error, and learning what not to do... And then sometimes doing it anyway... But in honor of the approaching holiday (which I loathe with an intense passion), I figured that I should share some of that knowledge with you. The following is a list of ways to maintain a healthy relationship, or possibly fix your broken one. Feel free to chime in in the comments.

Be brutally honest. I know it's easy to say "I'm always honest with my partner" but how often is it really true? How often do you sit them down when you're feeling neglected and lay it all out there? "Hey, about what's happening right now? It's not working for me and this is why. How do we fix it?" Don't sugar coat it, don't try to be nice about it, don't worry about hurt feelings. If you beat around the bush your partner will never figure out what the hell you're hinting at. So suck it up and be straight-forward with them. It's amazing how much you can open up your lines of communication if you just let yourself be totally honest with them. The big part of this, that most people hesitate on, is being completely honest instead of partially honest. It's because we fear the other person's reaction, and we shouldn't. Because if you can't be completely honest with your partner about what is making you unhappy or what can make you happier, then obviously it's something that they'll never be able to give you. And if that's the case, should you really be in this relationship anyway?

"Are you ready for bed, sweet heart?"

Sex. Let's face it, when it boils down to it, sex is at the root of most relationship problems. Somebody isn't getting enough, somebody isn't getting the right kind, or somebody has started to look for it elsewhere. If your sex life starts to fail, it can cause your entire relationship to crumble down around it. Think about it, without the sex aren't you two really just glorified roommates/friends? It's a fundamental part of your relationship and too often it gets undervalued. Think back to when things were just starting, think about the passion, the excitement, the spark. Where is it now? If you don't know the answer to that, then it's time to find it again. Get an overnight babysitter, play hooky together for a day, find some pseudo-alone time and reconnect physically. Share your fantasies, no matter how out there or embarrassing they are. You want him to throw you down on the bed and ravage you like one of the scenes in your romance novel? Awesome, tell him. Or better yet, read it to him aloud so he knows exactly what you want. Experiment together. Go to the adult store and pick out something together, be it lingerie or PVC bondage tape. But remember, if you don't make the effort to be honest and open-minded (and accepting of your partner's fantasies) then that rut you're in is only going to get deeper.

Right on time to finish the pot roast...
...just like I do every other Thursday...

Schedules and Boredom. As much as I love to be on a set schedule and as easy as it makes my life, it can get kind of boring. If you're doing the same set of things in the same order every single day, the days will start to mush together until they all seem like one long, mind-numbing chore. The trick is to throw yourselves a curve ball every now and then. Hell, if you insist on a schedule, then schedule in your once a week change-up. Maybe this Saturday you two head over to the rock gym for a morning of rock climbing. You don't have to be avid climbers to do it, you just have to have some sort of interest in it. Maybe next week you go to a planetarium show at the museum. Maybe the week after you spend a morning shopping for fresh produce at the farmer's market. It doesn't have to be anything crazy, just something out of the ordinary. Something new to talk about and experience. If you're experiencing new things every week, it's pretty hard to get bored.

"Hey girl, you want to help me work on this car?"
Yes, please..... *drool*

Projects. I don't know about you, but this definitely applies to me... I love doing projects with my partner. It gives us the chance to work together and create something. Whether it's restoring an old vehicle, fixing the garbage disposal, or painting a wall in the living room, doing a project forces us to do something together that we might not normally do. It also allows us to shine with our individual strengths and get recognition for it. Once the project is complete, we can step back and admire our hard work. What's more is that every time we see that completed project we're reminded of how we worked together to accomplish a goal. Besides, you can't tell me it doesn't turn you on to watch your partner do some sort of physical handy man task while you participate as the helper...

Surprises and Relaxation: Killing rogue zombies optional.

Surprises and Relaxation. Every relationship needs a healthy dose of both surprise and relaxation. Surprises can be anything out of the ordinary. Movies tickets, fresh baked pie, a favorite meal, or even just an impromptu coffee delivery. Surprises don't need to be extravagant or deeply meaningful. Just a simple, random way of showing you care. But it's not all about surprises and mixing things up, you two need some down time, too. A good way to accomplish this is with an at-home movie night, building a puzzle together, or even reading a book together at night. Snuggling up together on the couch can go a long way.

So there you have it, my queenly advice, the major things that I've learned about keeping a relationship healthy (from years of doing it the wrong way). Now if you don't mind, I'll be hiding under the nearest rock until V-Day is over.

Preparing for a journey

This time next week my son and I will be in Kona with my family. While it's primarily a work-related trip, there will still be plenty of time to explore some of the more fun things the Big Island has to offer. I'm not too concerned with passing the time once we get there, it's not like a four year old is going to get tired of his first trip to the ocean, I'm more concerned with passing time on the way to and from there. From our local airport we have a five hour flight to Seattle (if we don't stop in Anchorage) followed by a three hour flight to Hawaii, not including layovers and early arrival for check-in. If I'm lucky, we'll only be spending 12 hours travelling to tropical paradise....

Don't be the person with that kid...
Nobody likes the person with that kid.

So when you're packed into a cramped plane like sardines and you're having to stop your small child from climbing over seats to say hi to his grandparents, what do you do? What do you bring with you? What can you bring with you? How do you not lose your mind and, in turn, not annoy your fellow passengers? How do you not publicly murder your rambunctious, full-of-energy child who wants nothing more than space to run around, but is having to settle for kicking the seat in front of him?

For the next 5 hours, you are my bitch.
What are you really going to do?
Are you going to hit a child in front of all these people?
Yeah, I didn't think so...

Never fear, I'm here to answer your questions. Or are they my questions? And if they are, isn't this a little like talking to myself? Well, if we're being honest, isn't this a little like talking to myself anyway? You know what? Don't answer that....

So here are my plans for mid-travel distractions.....

1. Leapster Explorer. Has movies and games on it. Can be combined with headphones for epic parental victory,

2. Tag Reader. All of his favorite books, complete with games and puzzles. Also can be combined with headphones.

3. Coloring books and crayons. The most silent of all kids entertainment...

4. Blossom, the penguin Pillow Pet. My son's favorite stuffed animal/travel companion/bunk mate. Maybe if I'm lucky he'll snuggle up with it and sleep...

5. My laptop. When I'm not doing homework, it is readily available for movie watching. I'm sure it'll get plenty of use this trip.

6. Mystery Inc. We have the action figures, and if I let my son pick out his own toys for his carry-on, I have a feeling that we'll be bringing Shaggy and Scooby, if not the whole gang.

7. Oliver Jeffers books. He's my son's favorite author and the books are adorable. Go figure, most of them revolve around the adventures of a little boy and his penguin friend.

What the fuck airline is this supposed to be on?!
Because I have NEVER had that much room on a plane.

I'm totally open to suggestions if anybody has them. I'd bring Hot Wheels cars, but I'm 99% sure we'd lose some (if not all) on the plane. If not, be prepared for a post after I get back on the joys of travelling long distances with a 4 year old..... Unless I'm in jail for strangling him... Or for strangling somebody else for threatening to strangle him... Or unless I'm in trouble for any reason, really.... Which is entirely possible given my commentary throughout this post.... I'm going to shut up now.

It's like Spy vs Spy, only I'm battling myself

I am a superb saboteur... But only when it comes to myself. I can manage to sabotage even the most carefully planned for event, as long as there is even half a seed of doubt tucked away somewhere. So when it comes to the ever daunting task of getting back in shape, I become my own worst enemy. Even when I plan out my evening, giving myself ample opportunity to complete homework and clean up dinner before exercising, I can find a way to fail miserably. Thus the reason I'm still carrying around the extra ten or fifteen pounds from my pregnancy.... four years ago... 

Right now I'm doing my best to eat healthier. Not that I didn't eat healthy before, just that I'm making my food choices even leaner and better for me. I'm also taking a weight loss supplement called Lipo 6 for Her. It helps me boost my metabolism and burn fat faster. Plus, I have Body by Vi nutrition shakes coming to me in the mail so I can start replacing meals with those, to help me trim up even faster. My only problem: Exercising.....

I can sabotage my exercising schedule like nobody's business. I'll start out my day thinking about how excited I am to work out. Yeah! My workout tonight is going to rock! I'm going to rock those pilates! Eff Yeah! Then I get bored at wok and I think about how I would much rather be exercising, because at least that feels productive. Paperwork is stupid.... Filing is just moving the pile from one place to another. Ugh... At least if I had a treadmill in here I could actually be doing something. Then I'm reminded of my lack of exercise equipment. Man, I still don't have that treadmill from my friend.... Are they ever going to clear a path to it in their garage? I mean, really, it's like I'm doing them a favor by helping them get rid of it. You'd think they could help me out by moving stuff so I can haul it away already.... Afternoon rolls around and I'm full from lunch and my energy drops. Meh... If I don't work out tonight will it really make a difference? I'm just so tired...... I'd kill for a nap right now. I get home from work and immediately find that I have a list of things to do. I can't work out now! I have stuff to do! Dinner! Dishes! Homework! Laundry! Child! Then I get things done, put the kiddo in the bath, and sit on the couch. Has this couch always been so comfortable? It's like sitting on a cloud. I maroon, cloth-covered cloud.... I could sit here forever. You know, I have been getting a lot of stuff done tonight. I've been really productive. And I'm just so tired.. Maybe I could just relax tonight and watch a movie instead of working out... Who would really know?

And that's how it happens. All of that excitement gets flushed right down the toilet because after a long day the couch is way more inviting than the yoga mat. I just run out of steam and make excuses for myself, justifying my lack of exercise. But you know what? It's not justified. Not anymore.

My old goal was to get back in bikini shape by the time my Hawaii trip rolled around. Guess what? My Hawaii trip starts next weekend. And my shape? Not quite bikini-ready (although I'll suck it up and wear one anyway, because that's what I have). So I'm hereby stating my new goal: I will be slimmed (if not trimmed and toned) by summer. No more excuses. No more justifying poor behavior. No more sabotaging myself by taking that little seed of doubt and encouraging it to grow into an overwhelming scream of "YOU'LL NEVER BE IN SHAPE AGAIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" My fat is not a supervillain. It can be wrangled, fought, and forced into skinny submission. I can start doing pilates and power yoga again. Lack of a treadmill is not an excuse for not exercising. Lack of energy will dissipate with more exercise. I do have the energy. I do have the willpower. I do have the motivation. And I can freaking win.

So it begins again tonight. I'll set up my camera and take "Before" pictures. Every two weeks I'll take another picture. I'll keep them for myself so I can track my progress. Because I'm stronger than my doubt and I can find a way to stop sabotaging myself.