Surviving Motherhood in the Last Frontier

A little advice from the Queen

2012-02-08T14:58:00.001-09:00

I'm the self-proclaimed Queen of Failed Relationships, and based on my experiences I'm going to share with you guys the wealth of knowledge I have. Basically, it comes from years and years of trial, error, and learning what not to do... And then sometimes doing it anyway... But in honor of the approaching holiday (which I loathe with an intense passion), I figured that I should share some of that knowledge with you. The following is a list of ways to maintain a healthy relationship, or possibly fix your broken one. Feel free to chime in in the comments.

Be brutally honest. I know it's easy to say "I'm always honest with my partner" but how often is it really true? How often do you sit them down when you're feeling neglected and lay it all out there? "Hey, about what's happening right now? It's not working for me and this is why. How do we fix it?" Don't sugar coat it, don't try to be nice about it, don't worry about hurt feelings. If you beat around the bush your partner will never figure out what the hell you're hinting at. So suck it up and be straight-forward with them. It's amazing how much you can open up your lines of communication if you just let yourself be totally honest with them. The big part of this, that most people hesitate on, is being completely honest instead of partially honest. It's because we fear the other person's reaction, and we shouldn't. Because if you can't be completely honest with your partner about what is making you unhappy or what can make you happier, then obviously it's something that they'll never be able to give you. And if that's the case, should you really be in this relationship anyway?

"Are you ready for bed, sweet heart?"

Sex. Let's face it, when it boils down to it, sex is at the root of most relationship problems. Somebody isn't getting enough, somebody isn't getting the right kind, or somebody has started to look for it elsewhere. If your sex life starts to fail, it can cause your entire relationship to crumble down around it. Think about it, without the sex aren't you two really just glorified roommates/friends? It's a fundamental part of your relationship and too often it gets undervalued. Think back to when things were just starting, think about the passion, the excitement, the spark. Where is it now? If you don't know the answer to that, then it's time to find it again. Get an overnight babysitter, play hooky together for a day, find some pseudo-alone time and reconnect physically. Share your fantasies, no matter how out there or embarrassing they are. You want him to throw you down on the bed and ravage you like one of the scenes in your romance novel? Awesome, tell him. Or better yet, read it to him aloud so he knows exactly what you want. Experiment together. Go to the adult store and pick out something together, be it lingerie or PVC bondage tape. But remember, if you don't make the effort to be honest and open-minded (and accepting of your partner's fantasies) then that rut you're in is only going to get deeper.

Right on time to finish the pot roast...
...just like I do every other Thursday...

Schedules and Boredom. As much as I love to be on a set schedule and as easy as it makes my life, it can get kind of boring. If you're doing the same set of things in the same order every single day, the days will start to mush together until they all seem like one long, mind-numbing chore. The trick is to throw yourselves a curve ball every now and then. Hell, if you insist on a schedule, then schedule in your once a week change-up. Maybe this Saturday you two head over to the rock gym for a morning of rock climbing. You don't have to be avid climbers to do it, you just have to have some sort of interest in it. Maybe next week you go to a planetarium show at the museum. Maybe the week after you spend a morning shopping for fresh produce at the farmer's market. It doesn't have to be anything crazy, just something out of the ordinary. Something new to talk about and experience. If you're experiencing new things every week, it's pretty hard to get bored.

"Hey girl, you want to help me work on this car?"
Yes, please..... *drool*

Projects. I don't know about you, but this definitely applies to me... I love doing projects with my partner. It gives us the chance to work together and create something. Whether it's restoring an old vehicle, fixing the garbage disposal, or painting a wall in the living room, doing a project forces us to do something together that we might not normally do. It also allows us to shine with our individual strengths and get recognition for it. Once the project is complete, we can step back and admire our hard work. What's more is that every time we see that completed project we're reminded of how we worked together to accomplish a goal. Besides, you can't tell me it doesn't turn you on to watch your partner do some sort of physical handy man task while you participate as the helper...

Surprises and Relaxation: Killing rogue zombies optional.

Surprises and Relaxation. Every relationship needs a healthy dose of both surprise and relaxation. Surprises can be anything out of the ordinary. Movies tickets, fresh baked pie, a favorite meal, or even just an impromptu coffee delivery. Surprises don't need to be extravagant or deeply meaningful. Just a simple, random way of showing you care. But it's not all about surprises and mixing things up, you two need some down time, too. A good way to accomplish this is with an at-home movie night, building a puzzle together, or even reading a book together at night. Snuggling up together on the couch can go a long way.

So there you have it, my queenly advice, the major things that I've learned about keeping a relationship healthy (from years of doing it the wrong way). Now if you don't mind, I'll be hiding under the nearest rock until V-Day is over.

Preparing for a journey

2012-02-07T12:31:00.000-09:00

This time next week my son and I will be in Kona with my family. While it's primarily a work-related trip, there will still be plenty of time to explore some of the more fun things the Big Island has to offer. I'm not too concerned with passing the time once we get there, it's not like a four year old is going to get tired of his first trip to the ocean, I'm more concerned with passing time on the way to and from there. From our local airport we have a five hour flight to Seattle (if we don't stop in Anchorage) followed by a three hour flight to Hawaii, not including layovers and early arrival for check-in. If I'm lucky, we'll only be spending 12 hours travelling to tropical paradise....

Don't be the person with that kid...
Nobody likes the person with that kid.

So when you're packed into a cramped plane like sardines and you're having to stop your small child from climbing over seats to say hi to his grandparents, what do you do? What do you bring with you? What can you bring with you? How do you not lose your mind and, in turn, not annoy your fellow passengers? How do you not publicly murder your rambunctious, full-of-energy child who wants nothing more than space to run around, but is having to settle for kicking the seat in front of him?

For the next 5 hours, you are my bitch.
What are you really going to do?
Are you going to hit a child in front of all these people?
Yeah, I didn't think so...

Never fear, I'm here to answer your questions. Or are they my questions? And if they are, isn't this a little like talking to myself? Well, if we're being honest, isn't this a little like talking to myself anyway? You know what? Don't answer that....

So here are my plans for mid-travel distractions.....

1. Leapster Explorer. Has movies and games on it. Can be combined with headphones for epic parental victory,

2. Tag Reader. All of his favorite books, complete with games and puzzles. Also can be combined with headphones.

3. Coloring books and crayons. The most silent of all kids entertainment...

4. Blossom, the penguin Pillow Pet. My son's favorite stuffed animal/travel companion/bunk mate. Maybe if I'm lucky he'll snuggle up with it and sleep...

5. My laptop. When I'm not doing homework, it is readily available for movie watching. I'm sure it'll get plenty of use this trip.

6. Mystery Inc. We have the action figures, and if I let my son pick out his own toys for his carry-on, I have a feeling that we'll be bringing Shaggy and Scooby, if not the whole gang.

7. Oliver Jeffers books. He's my son's favorite author and the books are adorable. Go figure, most of them revolve around the adventures of a little boy and his penguin friend.

What the fuck airline is this supposed to be on?!
Because I have NEVER had that much room on a plane.

I'm totally open to suggestions if anybody has them. I'd bring Hot Wheels cars, but I'm 99% sure we'd lose some (if not all) on the plane. If not, be prepared for a post after I get back on the joys of travelling long distances with a 4 year old..... Unless I'm in jail for strangling him... Or for strangling somebody else for threatening to strangle him... Or unless I'm in trouble for any reason, really.... Which is entirely possible given my commentary throughout this post.... I'm going to shut up now.

It's like Spy vs Spy, only I'm battling myself

2012-01-31T09:01:00.000-09:00

I am a superb saboteur... But only when it comes to myself. I can manage to sabotage even the most carefully planned for event, as long as there is even half a seed of doubt tucked away somewhere. So when it comes to the ever daunting task of getting back in shape, I become my own worst enemy. Even when I plan out my evening, giving myself ample opportunity to complete homework and clean up dinner before exercising, I can find a way to fail miserably. Thus the reason I'm still carrying around the extra ten or fifteen pounds from my pregnancy.... four years ago...

Right now I'm doing my best to eat healthier. Not that I didn't eat healthy before, just that I'm making my food choices even leaner and better for me. I'm also taking a weight loss supplement called Lipo 6 for Her. It helps me boost my metabolism and burn fat faster. Plus, I have Body by Vi nutrition shakes coming to me in the mail so I can start replacing meals with those, to help me trim up even faster. My only problem: Exercising.....

I can sabotage my exercising schedule like nobody's business. I'll start out my day thinking about how excited I am to work out. Yeah! My workout tonight is going to rock! I'm going to rock those pilates! Eff Yeah! Then I get bored at wok and I think about how I would much rather be exercising, because at least that feels productive. Paperwork is stupid.... Filing is just moving the pile from one place to another. Ugh... At least if I had a treadmill in here I could actually be doing something. Then I'm reminded of my lack of exercise equipment. Man, I still don't have that treadmill from my friend.... Are they ever going to clear a path to it in their garage? I mean, really, it's like I'm doing them a favor by helping them get rid of it. You'd think they could help me out by moving stuff so I can haul it away already.... Afternoon rolls around and I'm full from lunch and my energy drops. Meh... If I don't work out tonight will it really make a difference? I'm just so tired...... I'd kill for a nap right now. I get home from work and immediately find that I have a list of things to do. I can't work out now! I have stuff to do! Dinner! Dishes! Homework! Laundry! Child! Then I get things done, put the kiddo in the bath, and sit on the couch. Has this couch always been so comfortable? It's like sitting on a cloud. I maroon, cloth-covered cloud.... I could sit here forever. You know, I have been getting a lot of stuff done tonight. I've been really productive. And I'm just so tired.. Maybe I could just relax tonight and watch a movie instead of working out... Who would really know?

And that's how it happens. All of that excitement gets flushed right down the toilet because after a long day the couch is way more inviting than the yoga mat. I just run out of steam and make excuses for myself, justifying my lack of exercise. But you know what? It's not justified. Not anymore.

My old goal was to get back in bikini shape by the time my Hawaii trip rolled around. Guess what? My Hawaii trip starts next weekend. And my shape? Not quite bikini-ready (although I'll suck it up and wear one anyway, because that's what I have). So I'm hereby stating my new goal: I will be slimmed (if not trimmed and toned) by summer. No more excuses. No more justifying poor behavior. No more sabotaging myself by taking that little seed of doubt and encouraging it to grow into an overwhelming scream of "YOU'LL NEVER BE IN SHAPE AGAIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" My fat is not a supervillain. It can be wrangled, fought, and forced into skinny submission. I can start doing pilates and power yoga again. Lack of a treadmill is not an excuse for not exercising. Lack of energy will dissipate with more exercise. I do have the energy. I do have the willpower. I do have the motivation. And I can freaking win.

So it begins again tonight. I'll set up my camera and take "Before" pictures. Every two weeks I'll take another picture. I'll keep them for myself so I can track my progress. Because I'm stronger than my doubt and I can find a way to stop sabotaging myself.

Mother's Little Helper

2012-01-26T12:12:00.002-09:00

As I'm sure you're fully aware (mostly because I've said this so many times that even I know that I'm repeating myself), I often get asked how I do it. Apparently, it's out of the ordinary to work full time, parent full time, juggle bills and a mortgage, maintain a long distance relationship, and still find time to finish school. Well, today I'm sharing some of my secrets with you...

The following are all things that help me manage our very busy and complicated life...

Netflix. For $8/month plus my monthly internet bill, my son can be entertained for an extended period of time. This allows me the opportunity to clean, wash dishes, work on my basement, finish homework, or clean on a regular basis. Totally. Worth. The. Money.

Tag Reader. The kiddo is on his second one, the first one got so heavily used that it finally froze up and died, leaving him a sobbing ball of traumatized agony... So I bought a new one, and a couple new books. I even got him one that folds out the length of our coffee table and talks all about the solar system. Now my four year old knows more about planets than I do. For example, the other day he told me what comets are made of and how long a year is on Mercury...

Bath Time. While it may be a constant battle to convince him of the benefits of washing his hair, my son is more than happy to spend an hour splashing around the bathtub. So long as he has his cars, boat, and other tub toys I can easily stretch bathtime into an hour long event. And just like that, mommy has time to do yoga without fear of being tackled into the coffee table.

Leapfrog Explorer. The newest addition to my arsenal of electronic distraction devices. The kiddo spends time learning math or spelling and I have time to fold laundry and finish homework. It was kind of spendy and totally doesn't have as many games as the Leapster does, but it's worth every. Single. Cent.

An Ever-Growing Collection of Scooby Doo Movies. I have almost an entire shelf of Scooby Doo cartoons. Seriously. My son almost has more Scooby Doo DVD's than my entire collection of grownup movies combined... And who knew that there were so many diferent Scooby Doo series?! We have selections from at least four different series, plus a few full length features. But when it comes time for mommy to get some shit done there is never a fear that my son won't find something awesome to watch.

Swiffer Sweep-Vac. You can't always just let your child's brain rot in front of a television, you've got to get him up and moving. So when it comes time for the weekend heavy cleaning, I pull out the freshly charged Sweep-Vac and hand it over. That's right, my son will vacuum our entire house with that thing if I let him. He's even learning to get under furniture. Best of all, he enjoys it!

Wine. Some days are terrible. Some weeks leave me a fragile, shaking, huddled mass in the corner. So to relax and recharge my schmidt-o-meter (ability to deal with all of the crap that gets thrown my way), I sit down with my extra large wine glass, a bottle of whatever's handy, and my Vinturi. I can fit almost half a bottle of wine into one glass... Once a week (at least), I sit down on my couch, after the kiddo has gone to bed, and I enjoy a glass of wine while I watch some sort of show not intended for preschoolers. It's freaking magickal.

Phone Apps. You know how sometimes you mean for it to be a quick trip, but then it somehow mutates into this horrendous nightmare trip that takes all flipping day? And you're all "But I have other shit to do!" And then you realize you just cussed out loud in front of your child and now he's singing a very inappropriate song that he made up based on the words you just used and you're trying to shush him and cover his mouth without it looking like you're attempting to smother your child in public and then you give up because your whole day is ruined and you can't make it to a computer to pay your bills and now they're going to be late and you would've done it this morning instead of making omelettes if you'd only known that your whole day off would consist of time-consuming, but totally necessary, trips to different stores, and oh god now he's about to throw a tantrum and where the hell are his Hot Wheels?! And crap, did you just cuss in front of him again?! Now you're like the worst parent ever because your child is crying because they got in trouble for singing the same bad words that you just said and you're sure his cars fell out of your purse in the car..... Don't worry, we've all totally been there. And that's why I downloaded stuff to my phone.

First, we have Zoodles Kid Mode, it has age-appropriate educational games and videos and even locks your phone so your child doesn't start calling random people.

Second, we have the Dr. Seuss book apps (we have Cat in the Hat and Green Eggs and Ham) and they are worth every penny of the $1.99 you have to pay. It reads the book with your child and points out words and objects and you know it's awesome because it's Dr. freaking Seuss.

Third, we have AllRecipes because you know that you forgot to pull out something for dinner this morning, right? Well, now you have a quick recipe and a list of ingredients calculated out for as many people as you have eating it....Plus, you're already at the grocery store...

Finally, we have Mint.com, money management at your fingertips. I downloaded it recently and it has been a lifesaver! What's that? I forgot to pay my credit card bill? It just sent me a reminder of how much and when it's due, oh and it displays all of my accounts with balances and amounts due all on one page, then it lets me post transactions, make notes, and pay my bills. Handiest little banking app ever.

Those are a few of my little helpers (obviously not all of them, I swear I don't just hand my kid over to an electronic babysitter for hours on end...just when I need to get other stuff done). I highly recommend all of them to everybody who has kids around on even a semi-regular basis. Feel free to list your own little helpers in the comments.

Things were looking up until my lady parts tried to self-destruct

2012-01-25T13:00:00.001-09:00

The weekend was fantastic. After six weeks apart FF and I finally got to be together again. The reunion was bittersweet though since we have one more short visit before another four week long break. But after that we should be back to our normal every other weekend schedule.

I think I actually miss him more now than I did a week ago, which seems a little backwards. But that short visit was a reminder of how important my time with him really is and how much I enjoy it, even when he has a stomach bug and feels like crap all weekend (true story). I'm also reminded to make the most of every visit, and not necessarily by going out and doing lots of activities, simply by thoroughly appreciating every second we have together. Anywho, our visit was awesome and much I don't think either of us truly realized how much we needed it until we were together again.

In other news, my lady parts hate me. For the second time in my life I have precancerous cells on my cervix. Now I get to visit my doctor every three months to monitor the area until it either goes away on its own (as is most often the case) or until it decides to go on a rampage and attempt to self destruct my hoo-ha (as it did the last time). I won't know for sure which way it's going until my next doctor visit in April, where she may or may not douse my cervix in vinegar (hello, burning sensation) and take another biopsy (feels like fingernail clippers).

So how about we all send some good vibes this way because the last thing I want is to have to say to my family, "Hey guys, you know how we just mourned the passing of my cancer-riddled grandmother? And you know how Uncle R is fighting leukemia? And it's been about ten years now since Aunt P succumbed to breast cancer? Well, prepare yourselves because I have cancer, too! It must be a family thing... Thanks for the awesome genes, Mom and Dad!"

SOPA, PIPA... Arrrrgh....

2012-01-18T08:03:00.000-09:00

Okay, so at one time or another we've all been internet pirates. Whether you've copied a picture of a celebrity online, used the Pirate language feature on Facebook (you're such a rebel!), streamed a missed tv show online (and not from the network's website), or remember going all download crazy back in the days of Napster and dial-up connections. So basically, if you've ever used the internet in your life then this applies to you.

SOPA is the Stop Online Piracy Act. Google it. Look it up. Form an opinion.
PIPA is the Protect IP Act. Google it. Look it up. Form an opinion.

Wikipedia, The Oatmeal, Google, and numerous other sites are blacked out today to show that staunch disapproval of these proposed acts of internet censorship. Others, such as The Bloggess and Hannah Hart (from My Drunk Kitchen),have made video and written pleas to their followers to speak out against SOPA and PIPA. And here at Surviving Motherhood, I'm doing the same. BUT I'm making you work for it.

I've given you the access to the information. It's up to you guys now to form an opinion and tell the politicians that internet censorship is just plain wrong. Protect your right to use movie stills or celebrity photos in your internet memes. Protect your right to view funny, interesting, and awesome things. The following is a gallery of things that would get my blog shut down if SOPA or PIPA passes... Enjoy it (while you can).

Good luck creating your memes on a censored internet....

In Loving Memory

2012-01-16T09:30:00.002-09:00

A week ago today my grandmother passed. She had moved up here to be closer to friends and family while she battled cancer. She had been diagnosed as terminal back in August and I remember the exact feeling I felt when I heard the news. It felt like everything around me had just fallen away. There was nothing but me, the rush of blood in my ears, and the shaky sound of my own breathing. It was like the most bizarre and tragic tunnel vision I've ever experienced, and at that moment nothing else existed outside of my own thoughts. Like a flash, I snapped back into reality. Once again, I was standing in the tile aisle of Home Depot, BigBrother and Kiddo a mere ten feet away. I still had a piece of tile in my now shaking hand. I remember feeling clammy and pale all of the sudden, but tried my best to laugh it off for the sake of my child.

Over the next few months my family learned to come to terms with the cancer. After all, this was not our first rodeo. My aunt had died of breast cancer, my uncle is fighting leukemia, and even I had dealt with surgery to remove cancerous cells on my cervix. But this was my grandmother. A woman I tried so desperately hard to get close to, and now that I had finally succeeded, she was being taken away from me. As a child she was just never there. She lived in Oregon and visits were few and far between. Starting in college, I made it a goal to get to know her. I visited during holiday breaks and forced her to accept me into her life. She was reluctant at first, but eventually we became close. I didn't just love my grandmother because she was my grandmother, I loved her because I knew her.

Last month she got the news from her doctor that her body as handling the chemo incredibly well and her body had really taken to fighting off the cancer. I partially attribute this to her well known stubbornness. They finally had a good outlook for her and we all breathed a sigh of relief. She was going to beat it. I've never seen her as relieved as she was when she got that news. She began enjoying life again. Instead of each visit from family and friends feeling like a series of condolences offered at her own funeral, visits became enjoyable and filled with stories and laughter because she finally had a positive outlook on life again. I have never known her to be so consistently happy as she was in those last weeks. Every day was a fresh chance to seize life by the horns and make the most of it. And every time we talked she encouraged me to do the same.

She told me that life is too short to always live cautiously, and sometimes you just have to make that leap. She encouraged me to make the most of each visit with FF, and to make the move to Anchorage sooner than later if I think it's right. We reconnected in a way I haven't felt since before her diagnosis, and it was fantastic.

Last Monday she was running some errands in town with a friend when their car was struck by another vehicle. The chemo had made her severely anemic and her body just couldn't stop the bleeding. The last thing I heard from her was when she called my office to tell me about the accident and to let me know that she was alright and that she'd be back soon. ...She never made it back. She died at the hospital a few hours later and I had no idea that she was even hurt. I've never felt as guilty as I did when I got the news. The accident happened just up the road from my office and I should have gone to check on her. I knew I should have gone, but I didn't because I was too busy. I put work before my family and it cost me the last chance I'd ever have to see my grandmother alive. I can only hope that she knows how sorry I am for that. How much the thoughts of what I could have and should have done keep me up at night. And how much the grief of losing her, when I had just gotten her back, hurts me.

This weekend my family is holding a small, casual memorial for her. Just friends and family telling stories of Bernie, the meanest girl in Fairbanks. I will not be there. I will be in Anchorage doing exactly what she told me to do. I'll be making the most of my visit with FF, the first and only guy that she ever approved of. I'll be grabbing life by the horns and making the most of it, because that's what she'd want me to do. Anything else and I'm sure she'd be cussing at me from beyond the grave, telling me to get my effing ass to Anchorage and to enjoy my effing life because that's what she effing told me to do. My grandmother cussed like a sailor sometimes.

So this is my memorial to her, done in my own way.

Bernice Alberta Desmond
1934-2012
"The Meanest Girl in Fairbanks"

I miss you so freaking much, Nana Bern. I hope you're out there somewhere, drinking a scotch with Frank Sinatra, getting reunited with your mean little dog, and bitching because now you're stuck in the afterlife with grandpa. (maybe you two can finally make amends?) I love you and I promise to live my life, just like you told me I should.

And today he turns Four...

2012-01-09T14:34:00.001-09:00

My son turned four today. In light of this momentous event (that, let's face it, I wasn't always entirely sure he'd live to see...), I would like to share a few of his quotes with you.

"Rule Number One is that we have to get going. Rule Number Two is that we have to drive the car. Rule Number Three is that we have to go to Fred Meyer. Rule Number Four is that I need ice cream. Rule Number Five, I need chocolate milk. Rule Number Six is I want spaghetti for dinner. Rule Number Seven is you take me to Grandma and Grandpa's house. You got that mom?" Actually, the answer I was looking for was "In the car, the rule is that we have to wear seat belts." So close...

"I'm four and I'm a big boy now, so I don't make messes or cry or act like a baby because I'm a grownup now..... Mama, can I have a Sesame Street juice?" A very grownup request.

"I want a hockey cake made by hockey players and I want them to deliver it. But I want it to be Scooby Doo." umm...

And this is what a hockey-ScoobyDoo cake looks like.

"Mom, I'm going to run like The Flash now, okay?"
"Mom, I'm going to fly around like Superman now, okay?"
"Mom, I can eat like Shaggy and Scooby now, okay?"
"Mom, I'm going to beat up those bad guys like Batman now, okay?"
"Mom, I'm going to race my cars like Lightning McQueen now, okay?"

"I love you, Mommy." I love you too, Kiddo.

"And once I was a little big guy. I was a tiger. RAWR! And I flied around like an airplane. Because my tail was a piece of an airplane. So I bite it! And that's what happened." Uh... What?

"I'm going to Jupiter, okay mom?" Good to know, call me when you get there.

"And once I was a BIG monster! And I had a big tongue and big eyes and big pants and big bones. And then I falled into the ocean." At least you were wearing pants....

"And once I was a superhero. I was Iron Man! I had a big mask and a big suit and a big BIG GIANT circle button. I was an astronaut. And the aliens were trying to free all the zombies. And then I changed into a zombie! And then all the fishes were attacking the zombies. They were super fishes, they don't have fins, they have legs. They saved me. And then I fought all the yellow zombies. But the super fish changed into zombie fish. Super zombie fish. And then they all grew up into aliens."

"I am a horrible monster, but I am not afraid. I live in the forest. And trees have no tongues." His new theme song that he made up one day in his bedroom...

A reminder

2012-01-04T11:39:00.000-09:00

In the past I had two definite "types" when it came to men. Like most women, I had a masochistic craving for the self-important, preppy, frat-boy super douche. But my Achilless' heel was the bad boy rocker type. The tough guy with the tattoos. Yes, even the ones wearing the eye liner.... There was just always something attractive about the dark, mysterious musician/bad-boy type.

...And then I grew up.

Do you think they have to sign a contract that prohibits smiling?

Yesterday I saw a picture of some random rock band that I listen to. I stared at it in confusion for a second, really seeing it. And then I started laughing. I thought to myself, Really?! There is absolutely nothing attractive about this. Why don't they wash their hair?! They're actually wearing more makeup than I am. I'm pretty sure that's more makeup than I wore in theatre. No.... Eww! Are they-- Is that guy smoking?! Gross. Just... Gross. How is this remotely attractive?? ...Oh yeah.... I used to find this attractive, didn't I?

And in that moment I was filled with pride and happiness. I have grown up so much in the past few years. I've matured and grown into someone who barely recognizes the naive girl who had a thing for the rocker boys. I've refined my tastes not only in food, clothing, wine, and living conditions, I've also refined my taste in men. Instead of being attracted to the tattoos, melancholy, and douchebaggery, I'm attracted to stability, responsibility, and maturity. It doesn't matter as much how they dress, as long as they act like a man instead of a boy. As a comparison, I thought about FF and I saw proof of my maturing tastes. ...And it made me smile.

Sometimes I forget how much I've grown up over the past few years. When things are getting difficult, as they tend to do this time of year, it's nice to get that reminder. Especially when it reminds me that all of this change and growth has been for the absolute best and I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. I think I needed that reminder yesterday.

I have not yet begun to fight (no really, I haven't)

2012-01-01T18:57:00.000-09:00

Well, it's a new year and I already want to murder a few of my neighbors. I understand that it was new years and they wanted to celebrate, but was it necessary to light off a small fortune of fireworks right in the middle of a residential neighborhood with numerous sleeping children?

Wasn't it bad enough that my dogs were scared healf to death?

Wasn't it bad enough that they woke me up?

Apparently not, apparently they felt the need to wake up my son, as well.

It sounded like a war was going on outside my house. I could hear explosions, whistling rockets, and screams all night long.... I might as well have had a war movie playing at full volume in the living room.

And now? Now they will pay. I'm not sure when, and I'm not sure how, but my neighbors will pay. I could have dealt with them interrupting my sleep and terrifying the dogs, but they crossed a line when they woke up my son.

Any suggestions from you guys on how to retaliate?

Distance Compounded

2011-12-21T13:20:00.000-09:00

So, you may not know this, because I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned it yet, but my long distance relationship with FF just got a little harder... Due to conflicting schedules, we're currently dealing with an extended period of separation. It's rough for both of us, seeing as how this is the time of year that things typically fall apart for us. Given our track records, we are reasonably nervous. But so far, things are good. We talk daily, video chat when we can, and keep ourselves busy in an effort to distract us from the distance.

This is how I spend many a night...

We also made an effort to have a great last weekend together for my birthday. Unfortunately, FF ended up having to go to work at the station one day, had training the next day, and had ski patrol the day after that... But we did have a chance to start our joint xmas present. We went in together on the supplies and equipment to make hard cider. A few minutes of prep and then we poured it all into the fermenter and put it away in the closet. The other day he told me he transferred it to the second stage container. Sadly, our cider will be finished before we get to see each other again. But he promised to save a good portion of it for us to enjoy at the end of January. I also spent some time fixing his garbage disposal for him, apparently it's been broken for months...

*cough*best.girlfriend.ever.*cough*

We're both doing our best to stay upbeat about the distance and absence, and we've done our best to devise ways to make it easier. We've been reading a book together, or I should say that I've been reading the book to him. It's actually a book that his mentor at work wrote in his free time. It's called This Little Demon (by Dale Reierson), check it out on Amazon, you can get it for a couple bucks delivered to your Kindle.

I've also started compiling goodie boxes. The one I'm about to send out contains cookies, brownies, and season two of The Glades (a tv show we were watching together on Netflix... except we ran out of available episodes). We're also very open with each other. We both know that this won't work if we can't be open and honest with each other. So if one of us starts to have concerns or needs to talk through some loneliness or jealousy or anything else, we do it. When you know your partner is being upfront and honest with you about everything going on in their life and their head, it helps to alleviate some of the stress that comes with being apart.

The only thing we seem to have trouble with is the sexual frustration... Don't get me wrong, we can both get it done on our own and make it through the next month, but it's not all about the orgasm. It's missing the touch of the other person's skin. Missing the press of their lips, the strength of their embrace, the look in their eyes... Those are things that just can't be translated over long distances. And we talk about it... We talk about it a lot, actually. But the craving is still there. It doesn't dissipate. There is no temporary relief from it. It just is.

But anywho, I promised an update on my romantic life and there it is. Forgive me if I feel the need to vent about it over the next month. And I know this in no way compares to what some of my military friends have to deal with, but when you have so little time together going nearly two months without a visit just doesn't seem fair. But don't worry about me getting all melancholy on you, I'm staying in pretty good spirits about everything.

Holiday Nerves

2011-12-19T13:43:00.000-09:00

I'm only smiling because I'm too drunk to realize it's Christmas...
...What do you mean it's only 9am?

I am so not a Christmas person. Sure, the lights are pretty and the decorations can be elegant, and who doesn't like getting gifts? Oh wait, that's right, I don't. Don't get me wrong, new stuff is great, but I am way too awkward about receiving presents. I get really nervous, because what if I don't like their gift? Then I get anxious, because what if they got me a better gift than I got them? Then I get worried because I never know how much enthusiasm to show in my response... If I smile, I like it, but will they be let down if that's all I do? Maybe I should amp it up a notch, smile a little wider, give a faint squeal of glee... Crap, do they know I'm forcing it? They do don't they? Now they probably thing I'm faking it and I don't like the gift at all. I probably just hurt their feelings because I was afraid to just smile... Maybe I should pick it back up and talk about how much I like it and why, would that help solidify their belief that I really do like their gift? Or does that seem fake? Dammit, why did they have to get me anything? I can't take this sort of pressure! I should just move on to the next present... Deep breath, just take a deep breath.... Oh look, this is nice wrapping paper... Maybe they won't notice that I've already moved on to the next gift... And what if this one is better than the last? Then they'll really feel like I didn't like theirs... And I'll have to be even more enthusiastic... Oh god... I need to get out of here...

What is this? A box of muffins?? Just smile enthusiastically.
But not too enthusiastically or they'll think you're faking it.

Seriously, I'm a disaster when it comes to receiving gifts. However, I love giving gifts. I will give gifts for no reason whatsoever. If I see something that I think somebody will like, I'll pick it up for them just because I know it will make them smile. Sadly, this too causes me anxiety, especially during the holidays. I'm a competitive gift giver. I feel like I have to have the best gift for somebody. I actually worry during the holidays that other gift givers might have better gifts than me, so I end up forgetting to unwrap the presents in my lap and watch the recipients of my gifts for any visible sign that they may have liked somebody else's gift more than mine.

It's cute that you think your gift compares in any way to the one I got him.

It's really a vicious cycle...

The holidays feel like this horrible weight of anxiety crushing me every year. To top it off, I spend the entire month between mine and my son's birthdays worried that DB will call. I start sleeping less and less. My finals suffer from anxiety and lack of sleep. My work suffers from anxiety and lack of sleep. My social life suffers because eventually I have to start drinking myself to sleep just to ensure I end up with a few hours worth. And those carols and holiday songs? They make me want to gouge out my ear drums with rusty coffin nails... Eventually, every time I hear a bell ringer or somebody wishing me a happy holiday I cringe. I begin to get irritated for no apparent reason. Every piece of tinsel starts to annoy me. Every decoration, every lame holiday sweater, every festive santa hat... Then it gets worse as it spirals into this irritated, nervous, anxiety-riddled spewing of holiday depression.

This is my kind of holiday spirit.

Then the holidays pass, the new year comes and goes, and my son's birthday goes off without a hitch. And I'm left sitting on the couch, confused, wondering why I was so worked up in the first place....

Come to think of it, this could be why none of my relationships last through the holidays...

Finals Week

2011-12-14T15:53:00.000-09:00

I'm not sure if you all are aware of this, but it's finals week for me. Yep, the University of Alaska Fairbanks has decided that the time has come to end the semester and by doing so, has managed to bogart all of my free time for the remainder of the week. I'm horribly behind at work, due to an extra day I missed by getting stuck in Anchorage during a storm. Not that FF or I minded at the time, but that's a story for another post. Also, I'm about to start the very time consuming and exhausting (and daunting) task of drywalling my basement. I've never really drywalled before, so this should be interesting... Or tragic... Or painful... Maybe all of the above? Anyway, I'll document the mishaps for you as they occur.

But please bear with me for this week. I promise you guys I'll have some mega awesome posts coming up on topics ranging from parenting to my birthday weekend to my relationship to my epic battle with the UAF chemistry department... I have so much to tell you all and so little time to do it this week. *sigh* Perhaps a little late-night wine-blogging is in order for this weekend?

Thanks for understanding, you guys are the best! And just to show you how much I care about my readers, I'm leaving you with the most awesome picture ever taken (according to Google Images).

Who knew a gorilla smackdown would be considered the most awesome thing ever? But now that I look at it, it is rather compelling....

Since one is my limit...

2011-12-07T13:01:00.000-09:00

So I've been thinking about switching up my birth control. I've been researching the options, trying to figure out what might work best for me, and basically getting a general idea of what I want before I go in to see my doctor about it. Currently, I'm on the pill. I have issues with the pill because some of them give me nasty cramps, others make me bleed almost nonstop, and then there's the issue with forgetting to take them (which luckily for me, happens pretty rarely). My current pill only seems to have the side effect: gives you acne like a teenager in heat. I have had to start using a stronger face wash just to keep up, and it's really irritating because I'll be 26 this week and shouldn't that mean I'm past the embarrassing acne stage of my life?!

Everybody and their freaking mom's fourth-cousin's aunt's sister-in-law's niece's daughter keep telling me to get an IUD. I've looked up the IUD's and they're a nice idea for most women. Unfortunately I have what my doctors refer to as a "retarded cervix".

If my cervix were a dog...

Meaning that it's not big enough to hold in an IUD. Meaning that the IUD will just fall out. Essentially becoming less effective than my acne-producing pills.

Another option is the 4-times-per-year Depo shot. Last I heard the Depo shots weren't highly recommended. They have a reputation for being highly effective, but wasn't there something about the side effects? Or maybe it's just me not liking needles... Any opinions on this one would be super.

There's the implant option. Basically they take a plastic matchstick and inject it into your arm to prevent pregnancy. Reviews seem to be pretty diverse, ranging from "DON'T DO IT!" or "I love you, Implanon! No periods ever! Woot!" Further research on their website comes up with some pretty vague statements about your periods. They may get heavier or lighter, but they also may get longer or shorter, and they could stop altogether... You know, or not... So basically you're telling me that this may or may not change my period, but you don't know how? Super.... What I'm getting from that is that getting this implant is like playing Yahtzee. You might end up with a Yahtzee on the first roll, or you could end up with random collection of numbers that you're stuck marking down as "Chance" because they don't even amount to enough to be worth marking in your "One's" spot... Again, any opinions on this one would be super.

Hope you're lucky type...

I could always shut down the factory... Not necessarily a bad idea, but most doctors have a list of requirements you have to meet before they'll perform that surgery (unless it's medically necessary), and being unmarried means I don't meet one of those requirements. Lame... But on the off chance that I am able to talk my doctor into it, I have two options. Good ol' tubal ligation (tying my tubes) or tubal insert (coil-looking thing they shove in there instead of doing surgery). Now, I've been told by certain people that the insert is definitely not the way to go. Apparently it can cause some pretty nasty problems that eventually lead to bookoo pain and a hysterectomy. So, let's try to avoid that one if at all possible... Tubal ligation has been around for ages, so I'd imagine it's become pretty common and pretty safe, but still, any thoughts/advice/horror stories/reviews would be appreciated.

What I'm looking for from you guys is kind of a list of reviews. Maybe you have experience or know somebody who has experience with some of these (or maybe even with an option that I don't have listed) and can pass on that knowledge to me? All I know for sure is that I'm sick of the acne, tired of periods, and definitely don't see myself having any more kids in the future (one is my limit). So... yeah.... Input? Anybody?

The Beatles lied to me, Thanks Dad...

2011-12-01T14:03:00.000-09:00

Before I begin, I should tell you that today's post was inspired by a Cracked article. No shit, seriously. I know a lot of their stuff is sarcastic insults towards virtually everyone (which is why I love it so much), but sometimes they really hit the nail on the head.

When I was growing up I listened to a lot of my parents' music. My dad's music, specifically, I grew to be really fond of. I still rock out in the car to Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, and a bunch of other classics. But one of his favorite bands that I probably heard more often than any other was The Beatles. To this day I'm still a big Beatles fan and honestly if I could resurrect John Lennon I would. Can anybody say post-death reunion tour? Fuck yeah. Only now that I'm an adult, I've found that I just can't stomach their earlier music. It's not because it's so cheerful or poppy, it's because it's so naive.

There they were singing about how you can't buy love when what they should have been singing was how they haven't had enough life experience to understand the importance of money. Eventually they wizened up, but a quick trip into LSD Land produced songs like "All You Need is Love".

All you need is love? ALL you need is love?! Umm... Excuse me? I object.

Now, before you jump all over me, like people have in the past when I've stated this argument, I need you to just hear me out first. You need more than love. That's not some cynical, I-Hate-Love statement, it's a purely logical fact. You, as a person living on this planet, require more than love. It's called money. Don't start telling me that money won't buy happiness or peace of mind or any of that hippie bullshit because that's a lie. Money does buy all of those things. And if you can't understand that it's because you've never been poor.

When I lived in Montana I spent a good two to three months living out of the cab of my truck.

Like this, only black...
And with a stick shift that dug into your back when you slept...
Did I mention that I'm 5'9" and much longer than the width of this truck?

The boyfriend I had been living with for the past six months lost his shit and I had no choice but to move out, for my own safety. The problem was that in Montana I didn't really know anybody except him and his friends. I was attending the local university but hadn't really made any close friends yet. So I camped out in my little truck at night, doors locked, shivering under my jacket (because I hadn't thought to grab a blanket), barely sleeping for fear that he would track me down in that small town and try to break through my window again. I showered at the university before classes, changed in the bathroom at work, and ate at the supermarket deli. I was too broke to afford to rent a place because I couldn't afford the deposit. It took me those three long months to save up for a cheap apartment in a crappy neighborhood where I lived off ramen almost exclusively.

The point is that if you injected a lump sum of money into that story, I wouldn't have been homeless. I wouldn't have been sleeping in my truck or living in a crap neighborhood. I could have left my ex and moved directly from his house to a nice place across town and never would have had to worry about crossing his path again. Hell, I could have finished out the semester, quit my job and had the money to move to Idaho, where at least I knew people. But all of that takes money.

What? Need another example?

In Misery, DB and I lived in a mediocre apartment complex. Sure, I worried about walking through the parking lot alone at night, but overall the place wasn't terrible. But we were broke. Not as broke as I was in Montana, but close. My cat lived in my car until I could find her a new home because we couldn't afford the $50 pet deposit. We lived off a steady diet of ramen and packages of dried beans. When we splurged it was to buy a giant bag of off-brand cereal and a gallon of milk. mmm, Colossal Crunch for dessert... We juggled our bills, trading off which one received a late payment, every month. At the holidays we stared meekly at our shoes while everybody exchanged gifts and made the comment, "At least you two are here, that's enough of a gift for us." Because that never makes anyone feel like shit. When our apartment building caught fire during an ice storm our landlords gave us the option to live in sooty filth, move out, or move into a new apartment for an extra $150 per month (because that apartment was bigger than ours). We had no choice but to live in sooty filth until they closed down that building because we couldn't afford to do anything else.

Real homeless dude in Anchorage.
He actually ran for mayor once.

You see, I've been poor. I know what it's like to live from paycheck to paycheck, juggling bills and late fees and overdaft charges on a week to week basis. I've had to make the decision between groceries and electricity. And you know what? It was fucking tough. Those movies you see where the family is poor, but they're happy because they know that what really matters is love? Yeah, that's a giant load of crap. Happiness costs money. It's the stress in life that's free. And once you've been poor, you realize the importance of money and you understand that in this life, money is a necessity as much as food, sleep, and shelter.

So the next time I get into an argument with somebody over whether or not I'm a cynical bitch because I argue that money is truly important and that it can buy you happiness, I'm going to remind myself that obviously this person has never truly wanted for anything important a day in their life. Because if they had they wouldn't be arguing with me. They'd be cheering me on.

As for The Beatles? Well, Goddess help me but I still love them. Even when they spew lies at me from my computer speakers (all you need is love, love, love is all you need...), I can't help but love them. But when it comes to something as truly awesome as The Beatles, how can you not love them?

Seriously, if you don't know and love this song, I'm pretty sure you fail at life... Just saying...

Just when I thought I was ahead

2011-11-30T11:15:00.000-09:00

Dammit, I know I'm forgetting some one...

I've been so stoked since the weekend. I did a little happy dance on Saturday because I felt so freaking triumphant because I finished my holiday shopping. Seriously, I was all "Eff yeah! Take that, last minute holiday rush! I effing win!"

This went on for a good day or two until I realized that I hadn't bought my grandmother's gift yet. Shit...

But I planned it out and I'm picking it up this weekend. Crisis averted, right? Wrong. What's that? Your couple of friends out of state that you already started putting together gifts for, but then forgot to finish? Oh yeah..... Double shit.

So now I'm scrambling to finish putting together their gifts of Alaskan awesomeness and get them sent out as soon as possible because I know I'm totally going to run out of time if I don't.

Balls.

So much for being ahead of the game this year....

I need a good battle cry

2011-11-29T14:41:00.000-09:00

If you read my tweets you'd know that recently I called out the University of Alaska Fairbanks after all but two people in my class failed our chemistry exam. I decided that this was completely unacceptable and that an entire class should not be doomed to fail (and thus retake) this required course because our professor can't teach. Also, I'm paying these people of my education, so why shouldn't I make a fuss if I'm not receiving my money's worth?

As you know, I'm not above speaking my mind point blank. However, I do realize that there is a time and a place to use phrases like "ass hat", "douche canoe", "efftard", etc. Contacting your university to express concern over a major issue is not that time. So I spoke my mind using as much politically correct verbiage and as little insulting threats as possible. As a result, I ended up with a very professional sounding argument to send to my professor which expressed my growing concern for my grades and my entire class's learning environment. I'm not exaggerating, I was actually polite and I didn't even call him a condescending jackhole with helmet hair. In response he avoided my concerns, ignored my questions and plea for help, and told me to go see a tutor. So basically, I'm not even sure he actually read my email.

My next step was to contact the department chair. I figure that surely he would help me. After all, it's a poor reflection on him if one of his staff is so inadequate in their job that they end up letting down an entire class of students. So I summoned every ounce of professionalism I had and wrote another email. I expressed the same concerns and shed light on the same problems and then explained that I tried to bring this to the professor but was blown off. I asked him to please take some sort of action. He replied, telling me that all was well and that I was over-reacting and UAF not only meets but exceeds the national average for college chemistry. So I did the only thing I could think to do, I replied and asked him to please explain to me how an entire class failing their exam "meets and exceeds the national average". After that he stopped replying...

I was getting frustrated. Rightly so. I finally got so angry that I posted on Twitter, publicly calling out UAF. They ignored me. So I called them out a week later for ignoring me. That's when they took notice and the social media person forwarded my complaint to the Provost's office. Nothing like bad publicity to drawn attention. I kindly thanked them and hoped for the best.

This whole time I had been operating under the assumption that my classmates were just going to sit there and take this kind of abuse, because honestly that's what too many of them typically do. I was happily surprised when I overheard my classmates talking in lab about bringing the same issues to the department chair. I jumped into their conversation and explained that I had already done just that and instructed them to take their complaints to the Provost. Like an army general I rallied the troops and directed them to take action against a common enemy. Suck on that, professor ass hat.

I was so proud when we all reconvened during class, telling eachother our stories about bringing written letters, verbal complaints, and signatures to the Provost's office, demanding action be taken to solve this problem for us and for future students. We were like a furking movement! For a moment I'm pretty sure I felt a battle cry well up inside me.

A week passed...
Nothing changed...
Another week...
Nothing...

I wrote to the Provost's office politely demanding a status update on the situation. It was like having a piano drop on top of me. She spoke with the department chair who told her that everything was fine and we were just over-reacting. So she dropped the inquiry. I know! I was furious. It took every ounce of willpower to not scream at this woman. Of course he covered his ass! He would assume that we'd all drop the issue so he lied to cover up the giant problem that, if found, could cost him his position. I took a deep breath and wrote back to the Provost, citing the university president's mission statement, their academic strategy plan, and anything else I could find to support my argument for immediate action. I was on the warpath again.

She wrote back giving me the "my hands are tied" excuse. She said that unless we could prove poor instruction, there wasn't anything she could do because the department chair said blah blah blah. So I wrote her back again... (the following is the exact email, minus names)

Provost,
The department chair's excuse that this was one of several exams is an overstatement. There are a total of three exams in this course, and that includes the final. Also, we were told upon receipt of our exam scores that overall we did better on this exam than the last one. The average score for this exam was a 56%. The exams count for the bulk of the final grade in this course, so even if you ace the labs and do well in homework you aren't going to pass with a C or better unless you do well on the exams. Given that the average marks fall in the realm of failing, I'd say that very few of us stand any chance of finishing out this course with a final grade high enough to move on to 106 or to meet our programs requirements. The professor did post grades before Thanksgiving, but they did not take everything into account and the majority of the class has virtually no hope of passing.

I have heard that Other Professor's class is tough as well, but the general consensus seems to be that while not all of his students will pass with a C or higher, the majority will. In our class this is not the case.

As for why I believe this is the result of poor instruction, all you'd have to do is sit in on one or two classes to see what I mean. During our last class I asked a simple question, instead of showing us a diagram using the simplest elements, could he show us a more complicated one so we can better grasp the concept and so we're better prepared to apply it on the exam. His response was to talk down to me in front of a lecture hall full of students, and ask why I'd need him to do that. I told him that I think I understand the concept, but would like to see it applied to a different element (and I just listed one at random) to be sure. He then proceeded to talk to me like I was an idiot, tell me that I'd never need to do this for that element and why on earth would I even ask about it for that element (and so forth). I said that I didn't care what element he used and that I was just picking one at random off the top of my head, but I'd still like to see a more complicated example. He continued to talk down to me, essentially calling me a moron in front of the class, and then didn't even bother to answer my question. Before you ask, no this is not the first time we've seen him do this. Almost everyone in the class is afraid to ask questions because this is how he responds to them. If you push and continue to demand an answer he blows you off, tells you there's no time for the answer and tells you to go see a tutor. He seems to get really frustrated if we don't understand absolutely everything on the first go around. But instead of rephrasing it or going back over it to make sure we understand, he tells us to see a tutor or come to his office hours because he doesn't want to go over it for the class. What he doesn't seem to understand is that if a handful of students don't understand a concept then chances are that most of us don't understand it either. He never reviews our homework from OWL, in fact, I'd be surprised if he even knew what our recent OWL assignments consisted of, since he's more than once skipped ahead of our homework and expected us to be caught up to where he's at (example, we were just starting homework for chapter 8 and he expected us to understand the concepts he was reviewing for chapter 9. When a student asked him how he got his conclusions he replied that we should all know it because it was covered in chapter 8). He seems really smart and knowledgeable, but I learn more from my TA in my lab than I do from my professor because my TA is willing to explain things we don't understand. Students should not feel intimidated by their professor. We pay way too much for this school to be treated that way in class, it's insulting and it hinders our ability to learn.

This is a required course. Virtually everyone at UAF has to take it. It almost always has one of the highest fail/drop/withdraw rates at the school. If nothing else, that fact alone should be enough to elicit some sort of action. Talking with the department obviously isn't doing the job, so something else has to be done. While nothing can really be done for this semester's students, most will be retaking it next semester so this will still apply to us. Perhaps those of us from this semester can be allowed to forego the lab requirements (as long as we pass with acceptable marks) next semester and only retake the lecture portion of the class. In the future, if the department knows that so many students are going to do poorly on the exams, then perhaps a short term solution would be to change the grading system and have the exams count for the smallest portion of the grade while homework and labs count for the largest. Another solution would be to allow students taking 103/104 to move on directly to 106, as 103/104 are basically 105 drawn out into two semesters. At least that would make students only a semester behind in their programs instead of a year. Another solution would be to cut back on the material covered in 105 and move it into 106, balancing out the courses. 105 is titled "General Chemistry", not "Advanced Chemistry", we shouldn't be expected to already have a full understanding of the material. Also, instructors need to understand that the majority of us are not chemistry majors. So a lot of these concepts are difficult for us and most of this material is stuff we'll never use because it just doesn't relate to our field, which leads me to another possible solution. There is an academic writing course for natural science majors (which is geared specifically towards our chosen majors) so why not a general chemistry for biology majors? Make the material in the course actually apply to our chosen field. If it applies, students will be more receptive to learning it. I know that chemistry has been a problem for most students for many years now, what I don't understand is why something hasn't been done about it sooner, especially when there are so many potential solutions out there.

MitLF

She responded to my email promising to take action in cooperation with the Dean's office, whom she is forwarding a copy of all of the complaints to. She also promised to keep me updated as to whether or not she could find an applicable solution for this semester's students. While this isn't a complete victory, it's a big push in that direction.

The point I'm getting at here (because you're probably wondering where I'm going with this) is that when you have a problem like this don't stop making a stink about it until somebody does something to find a solution. Keep moving up the chain of command until somebody hears you out. The higher up you go, the greater the shit storm will be when it comes back to the bottom. But don't stop pushing for a solution. People, in general, are lazy and will avoid do something if they think it'll just go away on its own. Force them to take action and don't back down or let yourself be intimidated by the opposition. Also, avoid taking General Chemistry at UAF if you can, it's like sitting through a shit storm in hell. And nobody likes getting hit with a flaming pile of shit.

It's those hollow, soulless eyes...

2011-11-28T09:58:00.000-09:00

Apparently, I'm just weird. the general consensus seems to be that I'm strange and there is absolutely no reason at all to be creeped out by these La La Loopsy dolls. I saw an advertisement for them today and seriously, they look like they're going to devour your soul. Seriously. They creep me the eff out.

But, for the sake of fairness, I'll let you guys be the judge... Here are some pictures and my thoughts on what each doll is trying to tell you.

Don't worry, little girl. Your mommy's screams will stop as soon as she passes out. I just liked her pretty eyes so much. I wanted to have them and keep them and wear them around because my eyes are hollow and lifeless. Do you like your mommy's eyes? You know, you have pretty eyes, too. Hold still for me while my little friend here plucks them from their sockets.

Don't you love me? You do love me. You will love me. And I'll never ever leave. Never. No matter how many times you get rid of me, I'll always come back. Burn me, shred me, bury me, drown me, it doesn't matter. Because I know you love me. You do love me, don't you? I need to know, because if you ever try to stop loving me, I'll cut out your heart while you sleep. That way I can have it forever. And if I have your heart, then you have to love me.

Hush little baby, don't you cry. I'm going to sing you a lullaby. When your mommy goes to bed. I'm going to take a knife and carve up her head. I'll cut the skin right from her face. And wear it like a mask while I dance in place. Then I'll be a pretty grown up, too. And when you're all grown I'll come back and do it to you. Shhhhhh... Hush now. It'll all be over soon....

My owl and I never go to sleep. But you do. We like to watch you sleep. You look so quiet and so peaceful. You sleep like your parents. Did you know that your parents sleep like the dead? They really do. Or at least, they do now. Last night I shoved your ugly dolls down their throats until they couldn't breathe anymore. Now they'll be quiet and peaceful forever. But don't worry, tonight we'll just watch you sleep. We like to watch you sleep. You look so quiet and so peaceful. It's good to be quiet and peaceful. We never sleep, but you do...

I like to play with the grown ups. It's fun. It's like a giant game of red light-green light. When they walk away I run to follow them. That way I'm always sitting there when they turn around. I think it's funny when I scare them. I shut off your boiler last night so we can play an extra fun game of red light-green light. They'll go down those steep steps into the basement and I'll be there at the top to scare them when they come back up. There's no handrails for those stairs. They're going to tumble down the steps and crack open their grown up skulls on the concrete floor. That's the extra fun part. I'm going to guess what color their brain matter is. Do you want to guess with me?

When your mommy relaxes in the bath tonight with her headphones on and her eyes closed, I'm going to add a super special bath time treat. Her blow dryer. I can't wait to see the look of shock on her face!

I killed your dog last night. I stabbed him over and over again with a kitchen knife until he was a bloody mess on the floor. That's what he gets for trying to eat my little whale friend. I'm telling you so you understand that actions have consequences. And if you ever try to leave me or destroy me, I'll hunt you down and turn you into a bloody mess, too.

So yeah, basically I have these terrible visions of possessed dolls with hollow button eyes and blank, sociopathic smiles murdering parents while they sleep and wearing their faces like masks.... It's like a horrific Tim Burton style nightmare.... Now seriously people, tell me these dolls aren't creepy as shit. Why would anybody buy these for their kids? I'd be too freaked out to sleep at night if one of these found its way into my house....

Because I'm lazy and don't have anything to write about today...

2011-11-21T16:00:00.000-09:00

So, you already know that I'm kind of a bleeding heart for animals, the environment, and conservation... Or you should, if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time. Well, so far today I have no inspiration to write anything... I've written the beginnings of five different blogs, but none of them have really kept my attention so none of them ended up finished. So, instead of leaving you all hanging with no form of bloggy entertainment (which is a total load of crap, I'm sure you all read other interesting blogs, too), I'm providing you all with some TED videos that I totally believe are worth sharing.

Learn. Enjoy. Share.

I encourage you all to log onto TED and listen/watch some talks that interest you. You can find a talk on almost every topic you could imagine.

Enter the HBHB Doom Spiral

2011-11-17T14:31:00.000-09:00

I have officially embarked on the horrific year-end journey I fondly refer to as the Holiday-Birthday-Holiday-Birthday Doom Spiral. Every year right around this time it dawns on me that even though I started Christmas shopping in August, I'm behind on the ordering. I'm also behind on the Thanksgiving prep. Oh and then there's the fact that my sister's birthday, my birthday, my aunt's birthday, my cousin's son's birthday, and my uncles birthday are coming up in December. Oh yeah, and in January there's my son's and my dad's birthdays. Also, somewhere in the mix are a few kid birthdays that we'll have to attend, as well. And me? I'm behind on all of it.

This is what I look like November through January.

Technically, I only have approximately $200 more to spend on presents. Unfortunately, when you have a mortgage and a crap job $200 is a lot of money. Not to mention that there's the cost of balloons, decorations, and possible venue rentals for the Kiddo's birthday. We tried holding it at the house last year. We ended up with a house full of overheated guests with not enough seating and a small horde of sugar-high children running around in a very small space. By the time everybody was gone and the house was mostly ~~repaired~~ cleaned I felt like one of those confused, Southern disaster survivors you see getting interviewed on TV... We was all just sittin there talking and such when it come crashing through outta nowhere. WHOOSH-BAM-CRASH-WHOOSH! Next we knew, it was all destroyed. Everything... All our stuff... Just gone... I dunno what we gon' do. I guess we just rebuild or somethin.

So many things wrong with this picture... where do I start?

There are problems with close-to-Christmas, mid-winter birthdays. Everybody is broke now, or trying to recover from the raping their bank account just took over the holidays. It's well below zero and nobody wants to be outside. It's well below zero and nobody wants to leave their car parked and unplugged for any length of time. Local businesses practically want a royal dowry to reserve a birthday party (and that doesn't include food). Parents are still exhausted from the holidays but their kids are their normal, energetic selves. You're cramming a bunch of people into a confined space and expecting it to all work out. Most parents will cancel on account of the frigid weather and empty bank accounts. Oh yeah, and half the kids on your invite list are sick with the flu.

Regardless, this birthday planning must be done because it's my son and dammit I WILL make his birthday awesome... Or, at least, I'll try to. So far, these are my ideas:

-Big Dipper Ice Arena
   Pros: reasonably priced, easy to get to, Kiddo enjoys it.
   Cons: most of his friends can't skate yet.
-Mary Siah or Hamme Pool
   Pros: warm, reasonably priced, easy to get to, Kiddo enjoys it.
   Cons: don't think all of his friends can swim yet.
-GlowPutt
   Pros: kids love it, easy to get to, warm.
   Cons: expensive, 50% of winter birthday parties happen here.
-Fairbanks Bounce'n'Play
   Pros: warm, easy to get to
   Cons: expensive, only available at specific times/days, never been there before.
-Pizza Hut
   Pros: kids love pizza, warm.
   Cons: what else is there besides pizza?
-McDonalds
   Pros: kids go ape shit over it, reasonably priced, warm.
   Cons: no outside food (meaning your stuck with their crappy, generic cake), strange kids try to join your party to mooch goodies, crowded, and it's McDonalds.. need I say more?
-Arctic Bowl
   Pros: midway priced, warm, bar on-site.
   Cons: very high probability of errant preschoolers throwing bowling balls and trying to run down the alleys.
-ZipZaps Laser Tag
   Pros: warm, gives parents chance to shoot frustrating children.
   Cons: expensive, long drive to North Pole, preschoolers don't grasp concept of laser tag.
-My House
   Pros: don't have to worry about forgetting anything, free, alcohol on-site.
   Cons: destruction, cramped space, limited seating, limited parking.

So far I think swimming and skating are leading the pack. Of course, I'm open to other ideas if anybody has some. Seriously. Please. Give me more ideas. Cheap ideas. And I leave you with a question that has been nagging at me since this brainstorming began: Why the eff doesn't anybody rent bouncy houses in this effing town?!

For Vanity and Zombie Preparation

2011-11-14T16:50:00.000-09:00

I freely admit to my own vanity. Few feelings compare to the giant swelling of pride that comes with the knowledge that I look freaking amazing. Lately that feeling has been coming less and less often. This is likely because recently I realized that despite my healthy eating and desire to workout, my steady regimen of sitting on my ass at work, sitting on my ass at school, and sitting on my ass at home just isn't doing the job when it comes to shedding this small layer around my midsection... Go figure...

I'm happy to sit around on my ass
because my pajamas never judge me

The problem is that when I get home from a long day at the office or worse, long day at the office topped off with a long night of class, and finish my homework and have dinner, and clean up dinner, and get the kiddo into the bathtub.... Well, I'm just exhausted. I don't want to do anything but curl up on the couch with an episode of whatever series I happen to be catching up on at the time. And after that hour-long break from the world? All I want to do is shower, crawl into bed, and talk to FF before I pass out for the night. In reality, I'm a pretty boring person...

So when would I have time to workout?

This is what my usual attempts at exercise look like...

This was always my big argument... With everything I do and still have to get done I just didn't think I had the time to squeeze in a jog. Not to mention the fact that I have neither the free time nor the money to join a gym. Then one day a couple weeks ago it hit me: Friday! On Fridays I have no work. Yes, I'm in class, but I have a minimum 2 hour long break between my lab and my lecture. That's two hours to kill at the university that I usually spend sitting on my ass (surprise surprise) at Alaska Coffee Roasting Company.

Last week I pack my gym bag and spent my between-class-break at the student rec center on campus. Instead of sitting on my ass I hopped on an elliptical and ran 6K nonstop. Eventually I had to stop because I have a lot of work to do in order to ease myself into working out on a regular basis. Plus, my knee felt like it was about to buckle. Gee... I'm so glad my parents let me push myself too hard in too many sports in my youth...

Now, you all know how much I love running... That is to say that if by love you mean a deep, unbridled hatred that burns with the intensity of a thousand suns thanks to years and years of adolescent awkwardness (again, thanks mom and dad). But let's face reality here, I need the cardio. My body needs the cardio. My abs are missing and the only way to find them again is through the fat-burning benefits of cardio. Of course, doing the same old run on an elliptical once a week isn't going to shave off this layer of blubber (the more I insult my midsection, the more I want to get rid of it... It's like a verbally abusive form of positive reinforcement), which is why I'm going to have to work myself into an ever changing routine. A run here, a bike ride there, and a few days per week at the pool teaching the kiddo to swim (more of a mental exercise, but whatever). But there will still be a lot of running. Cringe...

To make this transition from fat-layered to ab-tastic a little more mentally bearable, I'm reminding myself that the easiest way to escape from zombie hordes is by fleeing. Their numbers will be much greater and stopping to fight them doesn't make you a hero. It makes you dead. You know, because of the numbers and the overpowering... But mostly because you weren't smart enough to run away. After all, zombies move at a steady shuffling pace but they don't get tired, so if you can put enough distance between you and them to find a place to hide without being seen you'll survive. But if you're worn out in the first few hundred feet they're eventually going to catch you and begin devouring your intestines while you scream helplessly and think to yourself how you wish you had made more of an effort to be in better shape. Point in fact, nobody ever dies wishing they were in worse shape, just like nobody ever dies wishing they would have had less sex.

Side note: Everybody should have more sex.

You're probably wondering where the big push came from that actually brought me back into the gym... Well, it's the product of a bunch of things combined. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and feeling less than satisfied, I hate that I haven't seen my ab muscles since 2007, I'm tired of feeling lazy, and I know that if I don't do something soon I'm going to start gaining winter weight. But the icing on the I-Hate-My-Fat Cake is that I'm going to Hawaii in February. Right when winter is at its coldest and people are at their heaviest I'm going to a place where I'll need to wear a bikini in public (and not around a bunch of other ghostly pale, overweight Alaskans looking for a relaxing dip in a hot spring). With visions of this impending horror in my head and reservations already made, my vanity began to scream at me to get my ass in the gym or start investing in muumuus to help cover my shame. I opted for the gym (large floral prints and baggy sack-like dress do absolutely nothing for my figure).

My goal is to be back in bikini-shape and fitting into my old collection of bikinis (from my skinny, ab-tastic days) by February... Wish me luck, because my lanky, awkward-running ass is going to need it. Speaking of my ass, you might as well say your goodbyes to it now because it's always the first thing to go.... *sigh* and it took so long for me to get it...

20th Annual Trick or Treat Town (A post-event recap)

2011-11-10T16:34:00.000-09:00

I've been promising it for over a week now, and I'm sorry I couldn't deliver it sooner. There was a problem with Chris' email and he was unable to get the pictures to me until now. So, in case you missed the liveblog, or in case you just need some more of the Trick-or-Treat Town Awesomeness, here it is: My post-event recap of the 20th Annual Trick or Treat Town.

Let me start by saying that it was a real treat to have been invited to attend and liveblog from the event. At first I wasn't entirely sure that the woman I was making arrangements was real. A part of me was sure that this was all some elaborate hoax or practical joke or strange attempt at identity theft. Let's face it, I kind of just wing it here and the results are sometimes less than amusing. Besides, are there really that many people that read my blog on a regular basis? I'm pretty sure that 99% of the time my blog is just a less crazy form of talking to myself. If you're wondering why I'd make a Facebook page and a Twitter account for a blog that I use to talk to myself, well, that's because I may be slightly delusional about my own nonexistent celebrity.

Still, the woman on the other end was real and not trying to scam me. When this realization hit me I couldn't help myself. I literally stood up in my office at work and did a happy dance. Which quickly turned into an awkward, embarrassed dance when a coworker walked in and gave me a confused look. Before long the tickets arrived in my mailbox and plans were in motion for the trip to Anchorage. After that, costumes were procured and gas money was set aside. I was determined to make this awesome.

After a couple weeks of showering you guys with reminders, coming up with creative Halloween posts to lead up to the big Trick or Treat Town liveblogging event, and announcing my presence all over Twitter, the big day arrived.

I woke up that morning with FF and began readying myself for the day after he left for work. I had been so excited about my costume that I bought a new curling iron to use instead of my always faithful (but sometimes badly attempted) hot rollers. Did I buy some plain, old, regular, everyday, traditional curling iron? Oh hell no. I bought the fancy shmancy new kind where you have to wear a glove and wrap your hair around a boiling hot, ceramic-coated tube of destruction and hope to hell you're doing to right. Turns out that no, I was not doing it right. Those new curling irons are trickier to use than you'd think. I mean, they work well, don't get me wrong, but making them work in the way you want them to? That's kind of difficult... So anyway, my hair was a disaster. Luckily, FF's ex had left behind a regular curling iron that he was just going to throw out. So I whipped out that bad boy, plugged it in, and hoped it would do the trick.

Indeed it did, my hair was curled, hair sprayed (something I loathe), and awesome. All that was left was to fix the bouffant part of the hairstyle. You see, I was going as a 50's housewife. Complete with sensible heels, cat-eye glasses, and pearls. And what's a 50's outfit without the hair? And because I've sucked royally at every attempt I've made to do victory rolls, I opted for the much easier bouffant option. Or, supposedly easier.... Turns out my hair was in no mood to agree that day and by the time I gave up on the bouffant my curls had all but fallen out, despite the heavy use of hairspray... I felt so freaking defeated. Regardless, I sucked up my pride and decided that plain mommy in a t-shirt and sneakers was just as good as costumed mommy in heels.

Not exactly what the finished product looked like

The kiddo's costume was easy. Just throw on the jacket, clip on the accessories, and don't forget the helmet. Poof! One handy dandy fireman. Since this was the case, I decided to fore go the costume until after we ate breakfast. So off we went to Village Inn in search of food, coffee, and Chris (who we were meeting up with in advance). Breakfast passed without much of a hitch, although the kiddo spotted Chris' camera and hammed it up for a while.

With breakfast consumed and caffeine absorbed, we made our way over to the big ACS warehouse where Trick or Treat Town was being housed...

Parking was horrendous. That is one major fault that I can list with certainty. And it's not that there wasn't ample parking, it's that people in Anchorage cannot park straight to save their lives. All three lots were a clusterfuck of halfassed parking jobs and irritated parents circling the lots. I finally found 3/4 of a parking spot that I could squeeze my little car into. You can trust me when I say it was a tight fit... Anyway, we managed to make our way into the building where we were struck by the sheer volume of people and Halloween decor.

Chris, knowing how important this was to me and how nervous I was, strolled up to the nearest worker and announced my presence. She had no idea who I was. No.Freaking.Clue. Awkward.... But she did direct us through the ropes and to the volunteer table. Which turned out to be no help because that lady didn't know who I was either. But she directed us to the ACS table, where surely somebody would have an idea of who I was... Right? Maybe? Wrong. The ACS table ladies also had no clue about who I was, my blog, or the liveblogging I was supposed to be doing. And that wasn't awkward at all....

While we waited for everything to get sorted out, we did get to witness something I definitely didn't expect to see... A family of bees. An adorable daughter bee (aww), a manly father bee (aww), and two, umm... hooker bees? Whuck?! These two adult women were wearing the exact (and I mean exact, right down to the size) same costume at the little girl they were accompanying. To top it off, they were walking around in stripper shoes. I could draw no other conclusion except that even hookers have kids that need to go trick or treating. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop pointing and laughing (yep, I'm that obvious) long enough to snap a picture, so I'll let you all just use your imagination for this one...

Eventually the ACS people found somebody who did recognize my name and what I was there for. She ushered us back to the beginning, escorted us through the ticket line, and encouraged us to have a good time. Which was a little anticlimactic, but whatever...

One quick stop for pictures and we walked straight into a six-lane staging area. Yes, a staging area where people can line up (not unlike cattle) in order to enter the trick or treating zone. It was here that the true horror began.... Enter the flocks of mommy hookers....

Umm, mom? There's a hooker behind you.

Sometimes you witness something and it requires a double take before your brain can fully comprehend what it has just seen. This was the case with many of the costumed parents in attendance. I'm not saying that parents can't dress up in slutty costumes, but there is definitely a time and a place for it and a function for kids is not it. As for me, I really tried to hold my tongue and be as professional as possible, but then I remembered something. I warned them in advance. I made sure they knew exactly what kind of blogger they were inviting to this shindig before I accepted the tickets. They knew that I come with a giant dose of sarcasm and blunt honesty. It was like a tiny light bulb flicked on in my brain and suddenly my commentary went from reserved to game on! (for proof of this, replay the liveblogging event and witness it for yourself)

Chris and I ended up pointing and snickering to each other like trouble-making kids. The laughter only increased as I did my best to liveblog my commentary while taking inconspicuous pictures of poorly costumed parents with my phone. Much more difficult than you'd think. The staging area did have its highlights, though....

And that's why the lady(bug) is a tramp...

What you can't see here is the fact that some
greater force (goddess, super glue, duct tape)
is barely holding in her cleavage...

Not shown are the two adorable butterfly sisters (or were they faeries?), a ten year old "pimp", and a few other hooker moms.

Finally we had completed the long wait of the staging area and it was time to trick or treat. Each booth had two windows, with companies sponsoring single windows or entire booths. The kids, in a less than orderly fashion, scurried from window to window demanding candy. Of course, the more candy they received, the more determined they were to be the first to get more.... I'm slightly embarrassed (and let's face it, a little proud) of the Kiddo's behavior during this fiasco. Especially when he began body checking other little kids like a testosterone-fuelled hockey player with a grudge... Although, I have to admit, it was a little funny to see Iron Man back down when confronted by a very determined little fire fighter...

I finally gave up and gave him a reusable shopping bag to fill up

Now, it's a little tricky to judge this portion of the event, especially given all of the many factors. On the one hand, the young man dressed as a SWAT guy was taking his security post VERY seriously. I almost wanted to poke him with something to see if he'd snap, but I realized that it could probably be considered harassing a minor or something and probably not the best idea... As for some of the costumed ladies handing out the candy? Well, most of them were teenagers and let's jut say that there's a reason they were put in a position that blocks most of them from view... I'm not sure if I should have been tipping them or arrested for looking at underage porn. One girl I remember a little too vividly was dressed as Alice (from Alice in Wonderland), except she was wearing stripper shoes and her ruffle panties could be seen under her skirt (which I discovered when she bent down to grab more candy). Also, I'm not entirely sure how her boobs didn't fall out every time she bent over to hand out candy. It was more than a little disturbing, especially for a kids event. On the other hand, a lot of the candy-givers had great costumes (which were age-appropriate). One in particular I laughed at was an M&M handing out candy.

Irony?

After the trick or treating portion, we ended up in a big, open, carnival-like area. There were lots of tables in the center, a stage in the front, and the rest of the perimeter was all games, activities, and concessions. Our first stop? COFFEE. I was thrilled that Kaladi Brothers would be in attendance, serving up their hot, delicious bean juice. I was less thrilled when I realized that they only came in itty, bitty cups...

"Tiny coffees! Whuck?! We're screwed!"

So, I did the logical thing and had them fill my tiny cup with straight espresso. Then I smiled because I now had enough caffeine to rocket me through the remainder of this event.

We stopped to drink our collective drinks and watch the adorable kid dance troupes before continuing on to the next stage of our plan: Activities and Games. I had given up all hope of anybody recognizing me as MitLF, but was having fun nevertheless. And of course, that's when one of the ladies from ACS who helped set up this whole liveblogging thing found me.

I promise this is hot cocoa.

"Excuse me lady? I'd like another."

Why yes, I am a very professional blogger that can carry on
conversations without making awkward jokes... wait, what?

Adorable.

I may have been telling her about the hooker moms at this point...

Much to my surprise, I made this woman laugh. In all of my awkward, word-vomiting glory I actually made a decent impression. Plus, I didn't get in trouble for referring to other moms as hookers. What's more is that she actually read my blog. She knew about my struggles with getting a costume for the Kiddo and that he eventually decided on being a fire fighter, which is actually how she found me in the crowd. Although, the photographer following me around might have been a big giveaway as well.

Enter phase two of our Trick or Treat Town Experience: The Activities and Games!

"Come on Mom! GAMES!"

I'm not sure if you've been to a Halloween carnival lately, I sure hadn't, but they seem to be lacking on the classic games in lieu of the inflatable monstrosities they have now. What happened to the cake walks, bobbing for apples (even if it's from a string so that a thousand kids don't have to stick their germy faces into the same tub of germy water... gross), scary mazes, or the loads of other activities I remember from my youth? If there was one thing I was disappointed in, that was it. I felt like there needed to be more activities. It's like the ones they had were the start of a great idea, but then the bottom kind of fell out and they just left it with what they already had. Still, the kiddo had fun at each activity. Except the hair coloring, he refused to let them spray paint his head....

His favorite activity seemed to be the musical instrument petting zoo. Actually, it was a completely understated, but much loved, booth for all of the kids that encountered it. They were invited to come up and try (under supervision) anything from the table of instruments. The results were adorable, if rather noisy.

But the biggest hit of all was this inflated tent thing that had been stuck away in the corner. There were no flashing lights, no games, no prizes. Just a tent with streamers hanging down in the doorways and a bunch of little kids running off their sugar highs underneath. It was certainly my favorite part.

At the end of our trip I actually thought I was going to get away without a major, embarrassing burst of awkwardness. But I was so wrong... The Kiddo wanted his face painted. So we stood in line for a good ten or fifteen minutes, which gave him ample time to decide on what he wanted on his cheek. When it was finally his turn, he climbed into the chair and proudly announced to the nice lady that he wanted a fire hose on his cheek...

She froze and looked at me, desperate for me to intervene.
Me: "Kiddo, is that what you really want? A fire hose?"
Kiddo: "Yeah! I'm a fire fighter!"
Me: "Are you really sure?"
Kiddo: "Yep."
Me: "Don't you want a fire truck? Or just fire? Or something else?"
Kiddo: "Mom.... I just want a fire hose."
With a heavy sigh I nodded my approval and the lady did everything she could to keep from laughing. What we ended up with was a red and yellow serpentine thing, that resembled a deformed penis, winding down his cheek and squirting on to his chin... Basically, the childhood equivalent of what college kids draw on their friends faces when they pass out at a party. The lady doing the face painting looked half mortified and half ready to die laughing. Personally, I was in tears from laughing so hard. But the Kiddo was thrilled, and I suppose that was the point... After that we made our way towards the exit and back to FF's house for a much needed period of rest.

Enjoy these last few pictures that should've gone somewhere up in the post, but I forgot add them in.

"Yes, Mommy sees you... But she has to tell her readers
about the pirate hooker first."

Candy is very serious business.

Nice bee woman with her matching, in-training service dog.

Hookers in training... If only you had seen their
Grecian hooker and princess hooker friends...

You can't see it well, but that's the "fire hose" on his chin

I encourage anybody in the Anchorage area with kids to attend this event next year. Despite a couple of bumps in the road, it was a great event and the Kiddo loved every second of it.

Big Thanks goes out to Chris at AK Rhythm. Without his help I probably would have lost my mind and you would all have missed out on so many great pictures. Support their magazine! Head over to their website and buy a copy of their first issue!

Insulating your windows

2011-11-07T09:22:00.000-09:00

Up here in the Great North winter is in full swing, and has been for a little while now. Whenever this season rolls around people scramble to button up their homes as tight as possible in order to conserve heat and lower utility bills, like heating oil (see: Overpriced Oil Company Rape Juice, or Why-the-eff-do-I-pay-this-much-if-there's-a-refinery-ten-miles-away?!).

There are a number of methods that people use to insulate their homes. Some people hang blankets over the windows. Others use foil-backed foam board in the window wells. Some close off drafty front doors with blankets, weather stripping, and anything else that's handy. Others start up their wood stoves and keep them cooking until spring breakup. Most people buy these little window insulation kits... And that's what we're here to talk about today....

So I've tried those little window insulation kits. I've tried the indoor and the outdoor versions. But I've found a few problems with them:
-They're a pain in the ass to put up.
-The kiddo pokes holes in them because they're as thin as saran wrap.
-The double sided tape doesn't stay stuck to the walls. So you end up with packing/duct/any-kind-of tape sticking out all over the place where you've had to retape it.
-When you use the blow dryer to heat up the plastic film to make it tight across the window it pulls at the tape and unsticks it because it just shrunk too much. Now you need to put up a whole new one.
-They're kind of expensive for what you get.
-The dogs and cat destroy them too easily.
-They're really thin and cold still comes through a bit.
But on the upside, they stop the drafts from leaking in around your window, and that's part of the point.

This year, instead of the crappy, flimsy store bought kits that always fall down I made my own and so far they're already WAY better. So I'm sharing this trick with you guys. You'll need the following supplies:
-Heavy Duty Outdoor Mounting Tape (at least two rolls)
-3.5mil Plastic Sheeting
-Scissors
-Gorilla Tape (optional, but helpful)
-Blow Dryer

First, you're going to want to clear some space. Move the furniture away from the window, take down the curtains, and clear out your work space. Then you're going to want to take your mounting tape and in as straight a line as possible, make a box around your window with it. Don't try to turn the corners with the tape or it's more likely to slip and come unstuck. Use four strips. Smooth it down to make sure it's well stuck to the wall.

Measure out the length of plastic sheeting you'll need and cut it. It's much simpler and easier if you do this after the tape is up, that way you know exactly how wide you need it. Pull the backing from the tape and evenly smooth the plastic across the top line of tape above the window. You want your plastic to lay as smooth and flat across the tape as possible, that way it's easier to do the sides without wrinkles. Next, do the same with the sides and the bottom, keep the plastic taut, but not yanking on it. Press around the edges to make sure plastic is firmly attached to the mounting tape. Trim excess plastic.

This last step takes a lot of time, so be prepared to be standing/sitting there a while. Run the blow dryer over the plastic until it tightens up a bit. With the really thin stuff you get in the kits this doesn't take long, but the plastic sheeting we're using here is much thicker, so it takes a while longer and will not go as smooth or as tight as the thin stuff. Basically what you're doing here is trying to ensure that the plastic is tightish, well stuck, and not leaking anywhere. I ran the blow dryer over mine for about 20 minutes and called it good. The plastic was still a bit saggy, but I was confident in the lack of drafts.

Repeat as necessary for each window.

For me, each roll of mounting tape was enough for two windows. Although there was about a six inch gap in the tape around the second window. That's where the gorilla tape came in handy. It's stronger and stickier than duct tape and worked well to secure the plastic to the wall, sealing that gap. Should the plastic ever come loose or get punctured during the winter, I'll be using the gorilla tape to patch it.

I can already feel a big difference in my house's ability to maintain heat, which says a lot for a drafty little concrete block house from the 50's. So I definitely recommend you give this a whirl. All in all it probably cost me about as much as all of the kits would have. This is mostly because mounting tape is expensive. But I have lots of leftover plastic sheeting, and this is far more durable than the stuff in the kits. Plus, it's already sticking better than the kits ever did. So the frustration factor is greatly reduced, which to me, is a cost in itself.

Good luck with this, and depending on the number of windows (I did four large ones), expect to spend a few hours on this project.

Update (and a rant)

2011-11-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the week long gap of pure silence on my part. I guess I'm still recovering from the Halloween Weekend of Chaos. Also, I've been waiting on pictures to share with you in a giant, post-event write up. I should have them soon and then I'll share the magic, mystery, confusion, and chaos that was Halloween and Trick or Treat Town.

Another reason for my recent silence is that I'm fighting a sinus infection. It's trying very hard to get its hooks in me and I've been trying very hard to stop it. Currently we are at a stand off, it makes me sick throughout the mornings, I drown it in hot fluids and meds throughout the afternoons. I'm hoping the addition of nasal irrigation and Friday cardio will knock it out and everything can go back to normal.

In other news, I think my mother is offended by the fact that I'm the only person in the family that is trying to move forward with their life. When I bought my house she was against it. Now that I'm thinking about the possibility of moving sometime next year and renting out my house she's against that too. Apparently, there's just no pleasing the woman. Mostly she insists on lecturing me with passive aggressive comments about how she's so glad that I've found some one and I'm happy, but they haven't been helping me work on my house just so I can rent it out to somebody else and don't I appreciate their hard work? She's also mentioned how she thinks that I should just stay here for the next two years until her and my dad retire and sell the business, then I can move away. But that's two more years. If I'm lucky and it sells fast. And isn't that what all kids want to do? Mold their life around what would be most convenient for their parents? I'm sorry that my life is going ahead and advancing, but they knew that eventually it would happen.

I think I'm just a little fed up with the family bullshit as of late. I love them, I really do. But sometimes I cringe at the thought of asking them for anything because anything they give you is laced with passive-aggressive commentary, I-Owe-You's, and an invitation to lecture and demand random shit.

Sorry, this wasn't supposed to turn into a rant, it was just supposed to be an update... Anywho, I'm off to do more work and maybe study a little bit before a big chemistry exam tonight.

Last Minute Costumes

2011-10-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

Halloween is a mere four days away and some moms are just now deciding to dress up. Others still haven't decided what to dress up as. Maybe you've spent all of your time and money on your child's costume and don't have the energy for going all out on your own. Whatever the reason, I'm here to help with a few really quick, really easy costumes for my fellow moms.

The Gypsy
Chances are that you have a bunch of this stuff in your closet already. For anything you're missing, hit the local thrift store and you're good to go.
You'll need:
-Peasant top
-Flowy skirt (preferably one that hits you mid-calf)
-Scarves and sashes
-Belly dancer scarf
-Scrunch boots
-Lots of jewelry (like bangles, necklaces, and earrings)

Red Riding Hood
Take a classic fairy tale and turn it into an easily recognizable costume with stuff from your closet.
You'll need:
-Peasant top
-Black A-line skirt
-Half-apron
-Red, hooded cloak
-Mary jane style shoes
-Basket

Vintage Housewife
Simply, easy, classic, and cheap to furnish new items when you know what you're looking for.
You'll need:
-Simple, button-up, A-line dress (with or without sleeves)
-Half apron
-Oxford style shoes
-Pearl necklace
-Bouffant (or other vintage) style hairdo

Hope this helps with your last minute costumes!

My sister is a terrorist

2011-10-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

Every Tuesday I have to participate in a hostage negotiation... bet that's something you didn't know.

You see, my sister holds my college education hostage every time I need her to babysit. Every Tuesday she dangles that short burst of educational freedom in front of me while cockily sitting on her throne of bitchiness, perched upon her pedestal of self-righteousness. Sometimes she gives me a list of demands, other times I'm grasping at straws to guess what hoops I have to jump through in order to secure a chemistry-filled evening of freedom.

Today there was no list of demands. Just passive-aggressive bitchiness and purposeful inconvenience....

She called my phone at 6:55am. I was dropping off the Kiddo at school.

Sister: Are you dropping off Kiddo at school?
Me: (looking around) Yes....
Sister: So do I need to pick him up today?
Me: Yeah, just like usual...
Sister: Well, tell the school not to feed him.
Me: What?
Sister: I get out of a meeting at 2pm and I'll feed him then.
Me: Why? He can just eat at school.
Sister: Whatever. I'll get him after my meeting.
Me: Okay, you're watching him at my house right? Because ther----(didn't get to finish telling her that I left her leftover corned beef for dinner)
Sister: No. I have homework to do.
Me: But you have your laptop, right?
Sister: I have two ten page papers to write!
Me: Umm...
Sister: My laptop is at home with all of my research materials!
Me: Okay........ I just thought that was our normal system because it's more convenient.
Sister: I have shit to get done!
Me: Alright, that's fine. But you're still watching him right?
Sister: Yes. Bye. (click)

Mind you I hadn't had much coffee before this conversation, so I wasn't exactly at the top of my game as far as arguments are concerned. Nor was I prepared to receive an angry phone call about babysitting. But I do know that we had previously agreed on the convenience of my sister watching the Kiddo at my house for the following reasons:
-Only one person makes the drive to North Pole.
-I have high-speed internet so she can do homework.
-The Kiddo can be ready for bed by the time I get home.
-No need to stop and make small talk with family (because it would be rude to grab the kid and go).
-She's in town with him anyway, so why not just stay there?
-Steady supply of coffee, espresso, and tea is available at my house.
-All of Kiddo's toys are there to distract him, should Sister need to complete homework.
-Sister is relieved of Kiddo earlier because campus is close to house.

Given our usual arrangement, I thought it was odd that she neglected to bring her laptop or study materials with her to town. Instead, she chose to ignore our arrangement and obviously wasn't planning on telling me the alternate plans...

It wouldn't get to me quite as much if she weren't so damn rude about it. But ever since meeting FF she seems hellbent on taking out all of her aggression on me. And honestly, it's wearing on my last nerve. I already plan on revoking my spare room offer. She can stay with my parents, because if this is how she's going to behave towards me then I don't want her to live in my house. I'm tired of living in fear of her next big freakout when she refuses to watch the Kiddo again. I'm tired of her attitude. And I'm tired of everybody's world having to revolve around hers. She's nearly 30, it's time that we started treating her like an adult. Which means the gloves come off and she faces the harsh realization that life doesn't rely on or revolve around her existence.

Reality can pack quite the punch, I wonder how she'll handle it. Any takers on when she'll have a breakdown? We can start a betting pool...

Luckily, I spoke with my mother later on about another matter and brought up the fact that the Kiddo will be at her place tonight. Knowing the late hour I get out of class, my desperate need to finish homework, and the complete inconvenience of the babysitting location, she has offered to keep the Kiddo overnight and bring him to school tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, this means he could attend school in the clothes he wore today because I didn't pack a change of clothes because I didn't know he would need them... (groan) I'm going to be so happy when I can transfer to the OSU online wildlife program...

And this is why my job is so frustrating sometimes...

2011-10-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

Foreman: (handing me papers) I need to add shit to these.
Me: Okay..... So add shit.
Foreman: No, I mean on the computer.
Me: Okay, did you type it up originally?
Foreman: Yes.
Me: So go into the file, add shit, save, and print.
Foreman: I can't find it. Can't you just take this and put it back in the computer?
Me: Do you know how to edit a pdf file?
Foreman: A what?
Me: No. No I cannot. Short of retyping all six pages, no. I can't just put this back in the computer.
Foreman: Well, why the hell not?
Me: Have you checked in your Documents folder?
Foreman: In my what? Where's that?
Me: The folder that your computer usually defaults to when saving things.
Foreman: (confused)
Me: What about the server? Did you save it to the server?
Foreman: How do you work the server?
Me: (sigh) You know what? Let me look for it...

...five minutes later...

Me: Here. It's open and I've saved a copy to your desktop so you can find it again next time.
Foreman: (amazed) Where was it??
Me: In the job folder. On the server. Labelled "Valve Tag List".
Foreman: Well, why couldn't I find that?
Me: Did you look on the server?
Foreman: No.
Me: (walking away, shaking head)

Spooky Edibles

2011-10-24T11:04:00.000-08:00

So I'm trying to plan some sort of spooky/creepy/slighty digsuting Halloween food to make for the Kiddo's pre-k Halloween party. Every time a class party rolls around I get all uber competitive and feel the urge to trump every other parent in some sort of Super Awesome Badass Parent of the Year Competition that only exists in my head. In my imaginary world, I bring in the best, most filling, delicious, kid-friendly, nutritious dish and during the party it grows hulk-like arms and legs and proceeds to scream out war cries and yell "FOOD SMASH!!!" while beating all of the parent-made food into submission. It's like a bad sketch from Robot Chicken...

I know the competition isn't real and onl exists in my warped, little head, but I can't seem to help myself. My food must be the best. The kids must love my food the most. All parents must stare in silent, jealous rage as I smirk and pick up my very empty food containers while they stand there with containers still half full of cupcakes and cookies. That's right, I want my food to be so magnificent that preschoolers willingly pass on sweets in order to devour second and third helpings of it. And then I will be reigning champion of the preschool parents. MUAHAHAHAHA Bow down before my kid-friendly awesomeness!

The Halloween party is always the worst for my competitive nature. We've had months at preschool and daycare without class parties. This is the first big one of the school year. So, of course my dander is up and I'm a little more ferocious than usual. This should all wear down a bit by the time the Christmas party rolls around... Maybe...

Anyway, to give you guys some help with your own Halloween parties and foods, I'm sharing some of my tricks and recipes with you...

Black pasta? Yep, black pasta. Or green pasta, or red, or purple, or orange.... Try dying your pasta. When you boil it, add food coloring. For black, just add multiple colors until you reach a black tone. The noodles will take on the color and your pasta will be that much more awesome. Of course, if you aren't big on artificial coloring (do you even live in America?!) there are all-natural black pastas available: Squid Ink Pasta and Black Bean Pasta.

Seasonal foods. It's Fall in most of the country (except in Alaska where winter seems to have already set in), this means that lots of squash is available. Use it! Cook up some spaghetti squash, call it worms. Chop up some cooked butternut squash and mix it in with some buttered rice, add a little ginger. It looks kind of like a bowl full of maggots.

Proscuitto. Come on, it already looks creepy enough on it's own... but if you want a little something extra. Make thin, crisp breadsticks and wrap the proscuitto around the end. Call them skin-kebobs.

Green food always seems slightly gross. Broccoli soup, guacamole, pesto sauce. Anything like that always looks creepy.

Ghosts. Make stand-up ghostly figures with either mashed potatoes or merengue.

Meatloaf. Mold your meatloaf into a body part shape (arms or legs work best), make sure to add ketchup or tomato sauce for filling so when you slice it it oozes "blood".

Devilish. Anything with an already scary name can totally be applied to Halloween. Lady fingers? Devil's food cake? Devilled eggs? Go for it! For an extra kick, add chipotle spices to the devilled eggs or drizzle raspberry compote/glaze over the sweets.

Those are just a handful of ideas for Halloween dishes. What are some of your favorites?

Talking with the Kiddo

2011-10-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

For your reading pleasure, a few exerpts from today with the Kiddo....

Me: Why are you chewing on that?
Kiddo: Because I'm a man.
Me: Men don't chew on their toys. Babies chew on their toys.
Kiddo: No, babies don't chew on stuff, they play with stuff. Real men chew.
Me: (wondering where he picked up this interesting piece of information)

Kiddo: Mommy? I need help to find the marote.
Me: RE-Mote, kiddo. It's called a remote.
Kiddo: Uh huh. Can you help me find it?
Me: Say remote.
Kiddo: Remote.
Me: Good, see? That wasn't so hard.
Kiddo: Can you find the marote now?

Kiddo: Mommy! Your legs have prickles on them!! Did you get hurt? Are those cactus prickles? Did you get hurt by a cactus? Are you a cowgirl?!
Me: (looking down, realizing I need to shave)

Kiddo: Shut up Kitty!
Me: Why did you just tell Kitty to shut up?
Kiddo: Because she needs to shut up!
Me: Kitty didn't make any noise... That was the movie... You're watching Aristocats.
Kiddo: Oh...

Me: Kiddo! Grandma is on the phone, do you want to talk to her? (normally he jumps at the opportunity to talk on my phone)
Kiddo: Nope. I'm watching Mr. Fox.
Me: Sorry mom, you just lost to Mr. Fox.

Kiddo: (putting things into a trick or teating jack-o-lantern bucket) Hockity pockity hockity pockity
Me: What are you doing?
Kiddo: Using magic words... But I don't have a wizard costume, so I can't get them back out.
Me: Why would it take a wizard costume to get them out?
Kiddo: (dramatic sigh) Because it's magic and my fireman costume can't do it.

Kiddo: Uncle BB! We saw a pigeon!
BB: Did you shoot it?
Kiddo: No... We don't shoot pigeons. We shoot turkeys!
BB: Why not? You can shoot pigeons, too.
Kiddo: We only shoot turkeys. We punch-kick pigeons!!

Buying Satisfaction

2011-10-21T19:16:00.000-08:00

I've always been somewhat underwhelmed by my appearance. It took years and years (well into my young adulthood) to even find myself attractive. Even then, it has always been a very precarious acceptance of my looks. On a bad day I can look myself in the mirror and wonder what people even see in me, aside from my personality.

As much as I hate to admit it, a big part of that acceptance (or lack thereof) rests on my chest. I've always had the flattest chest in the family. Throughout my youth it was always a sensitive topic. Well, for me it was a sensitive topic. My family seemed to find it hilarious that I had about as many curves as a 2x4. A week never went by without receiving some sort of joking comment about my lack of boobs. For years and years my only consolation was my mother telling me, "Don't worry. I was flat until I had kids. Now I'm a DD. You'll get boobs once you have a kid."

Well, here I am. Mother of a four year old. Still lacking boobs. The closest I came was at the end of my pregnancy when they began to swell, but I was still no bigger than a large B-cup. After my son's birth, they shrunk back down to the small B you see on my chest today... Despite great hope and years of future boob promises, I still have the curves of a popsicle stick...

In high school, I sat in envy as I watched my friends blossom. Soon they began to notice my lack of cleavage and the joking comments began again. I'm sure they all found it very light-hearted and sarcastic, but each of their comments cut through my fragile self esteem and burrowed into my subconscious. Every time I looked in a mirror during high school all I saw was my flat chest. As the other girls gained cleavage and womanly figures, I gained A-cups and eventually B-cups but never cleavage.

As the years progressed I learned what bras and shirts to wear and how to position myself to give the illusion of boobs and cleavage. After a while it became second nature. Now I don't even realize that I'm doing it. But even in my ~~somewhat~~ mostly well-balanced adulthood, I still find myself standing in front of the mirror staring at my chest, willing it to grow... Sadly, my Jedi mind powers seem to be lacking because it hasn't happened yet.

For many years now, I've fantasized about buying boobs. Not the silicone cutlets that I stuff into my extreme push-up bra when I go out for a night, but real implants. The kind you go in for surgery for. For a while, I thought that maybe if I just learned to accept my looks I'd be happy enough with myself to stop wanting a boob job. I tried... I tried for years. It hasn't worked. No matter how comfortable with myself I am, I'm still unsatisfied with my body. Sometimes I stare at my nude figure in the mirror and imagine what I'd look like if I could just fix one thing. Just one. Would that make me satisfied?

After a decade of internal debate, I've made the decision. I'm buying myself a little satisfaction. I'm buying the one thing that has worn so hard on my self confidence. I'm getting boobs. Now, I'm not talking size FF, with custom-made bras bigger than your head. I just want a C-cup. Just enough to give me the option of cleavage. Just enough so that I don't have to wear a push up bra just to make them visible. Just enough so that when I look in the mirror my first thoughts aren't "dammit, I need a new push up, this one is losing its oomph and my boobs are starting to disappear again..." That's right, I actually wear the "up" out of my push up bra.

It probably won't happen until next year after tax returns, but I've made the decision and I'm going for it. I've waited long enough to be happy with my appearance, it's time for me to give in and buy a little personal satisfaction.

Do's and Don'ts of Dressing Your Kids for Winter

2011-10-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

The snow is flying in Fairbanks and the time has come to start bundling up the offspring. Sadly, despite living in Alaska, there are still people up here that do not seem to understand how to properly dress a child for winter. Luckily for them, I'm here to explain things.

Do dress in layers. Maybe a thermal under a t-shirt under a sweatshirt under a jacket. Those are good layers. A tanktop under a parka is bad layering.
Don't let your chid out of the house in sandals. That's not white sand on the ground, that's snow... Dipshit.
Do consider buying fleece or flannel-lined pants. These can be found from Carhartt, Old Navy, and Osh-Kosh.
Don't forget to bring spare clothes. Including spare hats, gloves, pants, shirts, etc.
Do bring spare shoes with you. Boots are great, but leave them on all day and your feet will sweat and sweaty feet, even inside winter boots, will still get cold.
Don't let your child outside with still-wet hair. That should be obvious.

Do consider using mittens instead of gloves, they will actually keep your hands and fingers warmer than gloves will. It's the way they're designed.
Don't overbundle your child. Remember that although it's cold outside it's still warm inside and sweating indoors will make you colder outdoors.
Do protect the neck and ears. If your child will wear a scarf, use one. If not, try a neck warmer or a face mask.
Don't assume that winter boots are enough. Regular socks might not be warm enough in the upcoming months or during long outdoor activities. Consider using Smartwool socks.
Do consider buying a spare pair of snowpants. I keep one pair at my son's preschool and the other at my house. That way we're never without them.
Don't forget to stock your vehicle with spare winter gear. If you ever end up in the ditch you'll be glad you did. Speaking of which, it's that time of year again, so you may want to read this as a refresher.

Keep warm out there and be careful. People are driving like idiots.

Please feel free to suggest your own Do's and Don'ts in the comments!

Liveblogging

2011-10-18T13:16:00.001-08:00

If you're linked up with my facebook page you may have noticed a little teaser I threw out there recently about something new and exciting coming up. Well, it was just made official this weekend, so I'm free to post about it all I want.

Coming up on Saturday, October 29th, I'll be liveblogging at event in Anchorage. Yep, you read that right! I was recently contacted by a firm running the PR for the 20th Annual Trick-or-Treat Town in Anchorage and they would like me to liveblog their event in exchange for complimentary tickets. Now, I've never liveblogged before, so this could wind up being a total and complete disaster (in which case I'll feel really bad for having wasted everybody's time while simultaneously making an ass out of myself). Just in case, I'll be doing a post-event write up as well.

But here's the really fun part...
I'm teaming up with Chris from AK Rhythm Magazine (like them on facebook!), who has been a friend for many years, to liveblog this event. Not only will he be photographing the fun activities, he'll also be assisting with child-wrangling duties. Yep, I'll be chasing a costumed, sugar-high three year old around while liveblogging and posing for photographs. The potential for disaster just keeps going up, doesn't it? Even better than all of that, if any of you happen to show up and say hello (not that you would, but you could if you wanted to...) you have the chance of not only getting your picture taken, but you may very well make an appearance in the liveblog and the post-event write up (which may be cross-published to AK Rhythm's website).

It's kind of amazing for this to actually be going on. I'm not sure if you grasp the level of pure awesomeness, but trust me, it's up there. In the blogging world it takes a lot to get noticed. You don't just write a post and magickally become a famous blogger overnight (at least, not in most cases). So the fact that I've been recognized by a local event and an out-of-state PR firm is pretty much a-freaking-mazing. Anywho, look up top in the link bar (that thing that lists all of the pages of my blog underneath my super awesome header) and you'll notice a new page listed. That's the liveblog page. Any liveblogging event I do will be found there. Not to say that there will be a bunch more, but there could be if all goes well.

Finally, I'm super excited to have been given this opportunity and I really hope that you guys will share in the fun with me. If you can't be at Trick-or-Treat Town this year, then showing up for my liveblogging adventure will be the next best thing. Wish me luck! Because I'll probably need it...

20th Annual Trick-or-Treat Town

The Most Magickal Time of the Year

2011-10-13T09:45:00.001-08:00

Screw Christmas. I grew up in North Pole, freaking Alaska. I've been over the whole Christmas nonsense since I was about 8. For me, the most magickal, wonderful, amazing time of the year is Halloween. Seriously, when else is it socially acceptable to parade around in flamboyant costumes and scare people for no apparent reason? Plus, the fun crafty treats you get to make for the holiday are probably the coolest ones you'll make all year! I'll get into some of my favorite recipes later.

Maybe it's just because this is the only time of year I really get to indulge my inner theatre nerd. Maybe it's the fact that fall is my favorite season full of my favorite colors. Maybe it's the spooky factor and the idea that things really do go bump in the night. Whatever the reason (or reasons) behind it, I have an intense love for Halloween.

I always put a lot of thought into my costume. I start planning back in August, but I usually wait until mid-October to really confirm my costume idea. There are just so many options, you know? I always have a few spare costumes on reserve, just in case an idea falls through. I'm still narrowing down the finalists for this year, but I haven't really been in a rush to figure it out yet because I wasn't sure what we'd be doing or where we'd be going this year. Actually, I'll be getting into this later, too. The kiddo's costume is equally (if not more) important because he actually has events to attend.

Actually, that's kind of the point of this post... Things to do for Halloween.

I've been looking into the options and I've managed to come up with a list for you guys (you're welcome). So, I really hope this helps some of you who may not know what to do with your kids aside from the basic trick-or-treating route through the neighborhood.

Fairbanks
Spooky Train Ride
Saturday, October 22nd
12-5pm
Pioneer Park
Free for riders in costume
Hot drinks and cookies usually available afterwards.
--My son absolutely loves this event!

Creepy Critters Program
Saturday, October 29th
12-4pm
Creamer's Field
Bring the kids and learn about feared and often misunderstood creatures through educational activities, expert consultation, and crafts. Program is drop-in any time during the hours state and there is a $3 suggested donation.
--Spooky AND educational? Win.

Haunted Museum
Monday, October 31st
4-7pm
UAF Museum of the North
Watch science experiments unfold. See bones and bugs, bats and birds. Tour the museum's research labs and explore the galleries. For children ages 12 and under with adult chaperones. Admission is free with a donation of canned food for the Fairbanks Community Food Bank.
--Another one of the Kiddo's favorite Halloween events!

Salcha House of Horrors (Not meant for the little little ones)
October 21-22, 28-29
7-11pm
$10 per person. Seriously not meant for kids under 12. Be prepared to wait outside for a little while because there's usually a line. However, they will have bonfires going to help keep you warm during your wait. Concessions will also be available.

Anchorage
Trick-or-Treat Town
October 28-29
Times vary, so please check the website
Tickets are $7 in advance or $10 at the door.
Alaska Communications Garage
This is the 20th Annual occurrence of this event and should draw more than 14,000 people, so be prepared for a crowd. There will be a haunted playground, trick-or-treating maze, games, music, dancers, clowns, and food. So basically it's your child's Halloween dream event.
--This will be my first time at this event and I plan to liveblog from it (when I'm not chasing my own little hobgoblin around). So be sure to show up for this one if you are in Anchorage and if you see a frantic, slightly panicky woman running around , looking for her son, while being followed by a photographer friend, and pausing now and then to send in blurbs from her phone (and trying not to cuss at it when it inevitably freezes) feel free to say hi, because that will be me. This will also be my first liveblog event. The people from Trick-or-Treat Town kindly requested my presence and a write up and I was more than happy to oblige them. Should you stop to say hello and you have an adorably costumed child, my photographer friend may or may not ask to take a picture of them and if it's okay I may feature them in my post-event write up for my blog and his website (AKRhythm).

Haunted Trails
Friday, October 28th
4:30-8:30pm
Goose Lake
$10 per family in advance, $15 per family day of event
This is a combination of two events. The first is the Trick-or-Treat Trail (ages 3 and up) which takes place from 4:30-6:30, the second is the Spooky Trail (ages 8 and up) which takes place from 6:45-8:30. Come in costume, enjoy carnival games, and of course, the haunted trails.

Trick or Treat Street
Sunday, October 30th
1-4pm
Downtown 4th Avenue
Free of charge.
Trick-or-Treating, face painting, Halloween cookie decorating, hay rides, candy apples, costume contests, and lots more (including special showings of The Goonies at the Alaska Experience Theater). Should be a fun, safe way to get out with the kiddos for the holiday!

Icky, Squishy, and Gooey Party
October 28-29
10am-5pm
Alaska Museum of Natural History
Join the museum to play with slime, bubble some potions, participate in the icky facts scavenger hunt, create realistic wounds and more! Costumes welcome!

Palmer
Halloween Hollow
Monday, October 31st
3-8pm
Raven Hall, Alaska State Fairgrounds
$5/person or 1 unwrapped NEW toy (no stuffed animals)
Halloween games and concessions. This doubles as a fundraiser for Toys for Tots.

Haunted Reindeer Farm
Every Saturday in October
10am-6pm
$10/person, kids 2> are free
Williams Reindeer Farm
Reindeer Tour, Hay Maze (look for the Tootsie Roll Bandit), Wagon Ride, Pony rides (If it's icy, these will not be offered), Pappy's Pumpkin Patch (choose your own pumpkin, at additional cost)
Friday Oct 28, Sat Oct 29, Monday Oct 31 only, from 6pm-10pm the Maze is HAUNTED! (not recommended for young children) $10 each/ Maze only.

Hope to see some of you out and about at the Fairbanks events and especially at the Trick-or-Treat Town event that I'll be liveblogging from!! If you know of any other fun, local, family-friendly Halloween events, please feel free to post them in the comments o on the Facebook page.

And this is why nobody likes chemistry

2011-10-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that chemistry is the red headed step child of the collegiate sciences world. I heard recently that General Chemistry is one of the most commonly dropped courses in college. I can definitely understand why... I'm currently retaking the first half of Gen Chem after dropping it last semester due to conflicting personal issues. I had hoped that by retaking it I would be able to build upon the foundation that I began learning last year. Except that apparently it doesn't work that way... I'm doing my best to keep up in class, but I just bombed the first exam. But here's the thing, I'm not the only one who bombed that exam. The average grade came in at a whopping 62% with the median grade coming in at a solid 64%... Unfortunately, a couple people got B's and effed up the entire bell curve.

Ridiculous? I think so.

I'm pretty positive that the problem here isn't the students. The problem rests with the professors. When so many students are failing your exams it must mean that your teaching method is severely flawed. Believe it or not, we can't read the chicken scratch you're scribbling on the white boards. And it doesn't help that this is a giant lecture hall and from way back here it's like trying to read 8-point Script... Which is to say that it's entirely illegible. This is probably why 99% of us have resorted to teaching ourselves via textbook, study guides, and Chemistry Essentials for Dummies...

Let that last sentence really sink in for a minute...

We. Are. Teaching. Ourselves...
TEACHING. OURSELVES.

What the holy effing eff are we paying you for?! You're the professor. Your job here is to teach. And yet we, the students, are stuck teaching ourselves. Do you have any idea how absolutely frustrating that is?! If I'm paying this much for a college level course, I expect the material to be presented in a clear and straight forward manner. Unfortunately, it seems that this is a wholly unreasonable request.

Go figure.

On a side note, the professor is not allowing us to make up for any of our poor exam marks. Nor is he reviewing all of the problems on the exam. That being the case, I believe it's time for me to get going and skip out on the remainder of class. I'll have better luck reading about thermodynamics from the comfort of my couch.

Mom Costumes UPDATED

2011-10-11T13:48:00.004-08:00

What is it about being female on Halloween that causes people to dress like hookers? I suppose I should probably be asking what causes costume manufacturers to produce so many hooker-like costumes, but I'm pretty sure the only answer I'd get is "sex sells". But let's face the facts here, we're parents. Wearing the latest sluterrific creation from a lingerie company that supplements its income with Halloween "costumes" is kind of out of the question. Or, at least, it should be.

Point in fact: A shirt is not a complete outfit.

Quick word of advice: If you're still dressing like a slut puppet when you take your kids to the local Halloween carnival, you need to rethink your priorities. You might also need to rethink your parenting abilities...

I understand that you're still young and you still want to feel attractive, but there's a line between family-friendly and X-rated. Don't cross it. In order to help you avoid crossing over into whorifying territory (get the play on words? hahaha) I've devised not only a set of guidelines, but I'll be providing some examples from my own collection of costumes.

More like Wonder-If-She's-Wearing-Panties Woman...

Do get creative! Try to come up with something original and veering away from mainstream.
Don't buy a costume without trying it on first. It might look long in the picture, but for all you know the woman modelling it is 4'11", which is why it hits her at the knees.
Do stick to the classics. Sometimes the least popular costumes are the ones that have been around for decades. Also, the classic styles tend to be more modest.
Don't dress up as any modern pop star. I don't care how cutting edge you think Lady Gaga is, she still dresses like a tramp on ecstasy.
Do compliment your child's costume. I know it seems a little BradyBunch to get matching costumes, but how adorable is it to see a Batman dad, Robin son, Batgirl daughter, and Catwoman mom? Exactly, it just sort of makes you say "awww!", unless it's obvious that one of them didn't want to dress up in that theme... Then it's kind of ruined...
Don't wear stripper shoes. I know the six inch stilettos are sexy, but you're taking your child trick-or-treating. In Alaska. There will be snow and your child will be hopped up on sugar. Do you really want to attempt running after them in those heels?
Do plan your costume around the weather. Chances are you'll be bundled up as you go door-to-door, so a costume with accessories that will be visible outside your jacket and gloves is always a plus. This is one of the reasons that going as a witch is popular amongst mothers, the hat is unmistakable and thus the costume is recognizable even under twelve layers of winter gear.
Don't be afraid to hit up thrift and fabric stores to create your own custom costume. The best costumes are usually the ones that are homemade.
Finally, just because you aren't showing a mile of leg, your entire midriff, or 3/4 of your boobs, it doesn't mean that you aren't sexy. Sexy is all in the attitude. You can be modest and still be attractive. Besides, it's far sexier to leave some things to the imagination than it is to bare it all for the general public. That's exactly why more men fantasize about hot librarians rather than strippers. Just sayin...

On to the visual examples....

Thanks to legends and Elizabeth Taylor, Cleopatra will always be considered sexy.

If you wear this you're giving the entire world permission to slap you.

My boyfriend is a fire fighter, and even he thinks this is too slutty.
...But maybe that's because it's what his little sister wore last year...

You can totally put this together with stuff from the thrift store and look awesome!

If you have to wear cherry nipples you have a problem.

Who doesn't love Lucy? Really.

That Mama Nature is one classy broad...

Even pirates can be modest while still looking hot!

This one is kind of borderline, but could be pulled off
modestly by the right woman.

Raggedy Anne? Yeah, I'll bet she's raggedy...

It's like yoga pants and a sweater, only Halloween themed!

Wilma was totally hot in her day, haven't you seen the cartoons?

Unless you're trying to attract a furry, never ever wear this.

Do not wear this unless you want to forever
ruin your child's fond memories of Toy Story

{insert jokes about dildos on foreheads here}

On a final note, I'd like to remind you that Leg Avenue is a lingerie company. They supplement their income with their annual selection of Halloween "costumes". Please keep that in mind the next time you think about trying on one of their "sassy" costumes. Sassy is apparently the new industry term for ~~slutty~~ sexy.

**UPDATE**
I realized recently that some people may have gotten the wrong idea about this post. I'm not saying that just because you're a mom you can't wear a sexy costume. By all means, wear the sexy one. I'm just saying that it's not always appropriate for family events (like the Halloween Carnival at your child's elementary school) and especially inappropriate for outdoor trick-or-treating in Alaska's cold weather. Hell, it was 20 degrees this morning and it's only going to get colder...

So to clear up any confusion, I'm just saying that when you're picking a costume to wear to a family function you may want to think about what can make you feel sexy while still being slightly modest, because let's face it, nobody wants to hear Judgey McJudge in the corner lecture on and on about how your garter straps adversely impact her child's moral and righteous upbringing. But if you're heading out to the bar, the club, or an adults-only party, then obviously these tips don't really have much bearing on your costume choice.

In any case, have fun and enjoy the holiday!

Unfriended By Family

2011-10-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

Recently my sister and I got into a Facebook argument...

Yes, I know how childish that sounds.

I suppose "argument" isn't the best word for it. It's more that she did all but call me out by name because I haven't finished my basement yet so that she can move in, and she really wasn't nice about it. Well, as it happens, I was having a bad day that day. My sinuses were on the verge of infection and my entire head ached from my eyeballs to my teeth. Also, work was making me crazy and I was nervous about an upcoming chemistry exam. And on top of it all, she was already on my shit list for acting like a royal bitch ever since meeting FF. So, of course she chose that day to publicly call me out without actually using my name.

So what did I do? I lost my shit, that's what I did. I commented on her status update and basically told her that if she was going to bitch and moan and yet refuse to help every time I ask (because she doesn't want to do THAT part) then she can do one of two things: Shut up and deal with it, or stay living with mom and dad... Except there may have been some curse words involved and I may not have been that nice about it. In my defense, it's my house and I'm not filthy rich, so major renovations (like going from unfinished basement to finished basement) take time.

The mature response on both our parts would have been to calmly and privately discuss the issue and develop a mutually beneficial plan to get the work done. This is not what happened.

The next mature response would have been to give each other some space after the confrontation and readdress the issue with calm, clear, collected minds. This is not what happened either.

Instead, a few days passed and I had calmed down and seen the error in my publicly berating her for being rude and inconsiderate. Also, I wasn't entirely certain that she would continue babysitting for me during m Tuesday night class if I didn't apologize. So, I logged on to facebook prepared to publicly apologize on my sister's wall and ensure that she'd be picking up the kiddo from school on Tuesday. But when I went to her page I noticed a certain level of privacy. I couldn't access her wall. I couldn't see her pictures. Then at the top of the page I noticed a button that hadn't been there before: "+1 Add Friend". It still listed her as my sister, but she was no longer my friend.

I'll admit, I was a little flabbergasted. I mean, how do you respond to your own sister cutting off contact with you like that after what should have been a simple argument? She definitely could have chosen a more mature method of dealing with the issue, and from the beginning she wasn't acting very grown up about it. But really? Unfriending me? I thought we were adults... This is not how an adult reacts to a problem.

So now I don't know exactly what to do. I still need her to babysit for me on Tuesdays, but I'm pretty sure she won't unless I apologize. But now I'm not so sure that I should be the one apologizing. It's kind of like a bad hostage situation, except the hostages are my education and my pride, and the crazed, gun-wilding maniac is my own family... You know, sometimes I wish I could just unrelate my entire family for a few weeks.... Maybe I'd understand them better if they were complete strangers.

L-Bombed

2011-10-06T15:27:00.000-08:00

So I started out writing this post as a synopsis of the weekend with FF. But after getting through two days worth of information I decided against it and deleted all of it. Although the weekend was a blast and I had a wonderful time with FF, more important things happened.

Or to be more specific, one very important thing happened...

I decided shortly before the trip that my feelings for FF were strong and undeniable. So I planned to tell him when I got down there, and in doing so drop those three little words that I've avoided saying to anyone but my son in a long time. Yep, emotions are that serious...

The funny thing is that FF and I had talked about the possibility of saying it and he made it clear that he didn't want to say it first, mostly because of my history of bailing on committed relationships. So I had to rally up every last ounce of nerve and say it first if it was going to be said. But after deciding to say it, the anticipation washed away any need for nerves of steel. I wasn't afraid to say it, I was actually excited to say it. For once, I was going to be the first one to say it and it was going to be because I was read and I wanted to. This was a pretty big first for me.

So we're driving home from dinner on the first night and I'm trying to decide when to say it. Should the mood be right? Should it be before sex? After sex? Does it even matter when I say it so long as I say it? While I sat there in the passenger seat mentally wrestling with the details of how and when to tell him, FF looks over and says it.

"I love you."

That was it. My thunder was stolen. Despite the wind being taken from my sails, a giant smile appeared on my face. I told him that I love him too and then gave him a little hell for saying it first when he said he wasn't going to.

It turns out that when it's right it's right and it doesn't matter who says it first because the feelings are there regardless. There was no big sigh of relief, no stomach churning, swell of confused emotions, there was just calm, warm happiness. Because this time, I was ready for it and I felt it. The feeling it gives me, knowing that he loves me, kind of makes me wonder though. If this is how it's supposed to feel, then what were all those times before? Were they just a different type of love? Or were they not really love at all?

Honestly, I don't think it really matters whether they were or not. Because right now I'm happy and I'm in love and that's a great feeling. Six months ago, who would've guessed that I'd be here? Not me, that's for sure.

In Lieu of a Real Post....

2011-10-03T10:21:00.000-08:00

Because it's a Monday morning and I'm far more concerned with consuming caffeine and leaving work early, I happen to be drawing a blank for post ideas. Or actually, I have an awesome post idea, I just have to wait until I'm done with the actual events before I write about them....

So anywho, what I'm getting at here is this, I stole today's post. I stole it from my good friend over at Esterology who stole it from a friend who probably stole it from another friend, and so on and so forth. I promise I will write something totally awesome and long later this week. But for right now, this will have to suffice:

The Lucky 33 Meme:

1. Can you cook? Heck yeah I can cook! I love cooking and honestly, I have some pretty fantastic recipes.

2. What was your dream growing up? I wanted to be a zookeeper, and I still do.

3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I had my singing voice back... I used to have a decent set of pipes, but a bad bout with strep killed it during my freshman year of high school.
4. Favorite place? Depends on how far I'm willing to travel that day... I love Costa Rica, Arctic Circle Hot Springs, Pike Street Market, and this little hill on the pipeline trail that overlooks a bend in the slough. I used to go there to get away from everything when I was younger.
5. Favorite vegetable? Artichokes.
6. What was the last book you read? Still working on the last book honestly... I haven't gotten much reading in since school started. But the in progress book is The Tiger: A True Story of Vengeance and Survival by John Vaillant it's pretty fascinating so far.
7. What zodiac sign are you? Sagittarius, wait no, Ophiucus. Wait... Did they ever figure out if that new sign applies to us or not?
8. Any tattoos and/or piercings? 5 tattoos, 4 piercings.
9. Worst habit? Procrastination, which only happens when I let myself get off schedule.
10. Do you personally know anybody on blog? What does this even mean? I know other people who blog, lots of them actually...
11. What is your favorite sport? Hockey and Baseball.
12. Negative or optimistic attitude? Realistic, although most people confuse it with pessimism.
13. What would you do if you were stuck on a lift with someone of the opposite sex? First I'd wonder how the hell I got to England, because over here it's an elevator. Then I'd probably get concerned about my situation and use the call box for help.
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? It was bad and it involved DB. Let's just leave it at that, shall we?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you. I love mint and, given the opportunity, I'll add it to just about anything.
16. Do you have any pets? Two dogs: Neit and Charly. One cat: Kitty. Two fish: Red and Blue. One snail: no name. One frog: Dylan is still deciding on a name.
17. Do you know how to do the macarena? It will forever be burned into my brain...
18. Is the sun shining where you are now? It's cloudy.... Is that close enough?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Meh... Clows are clowns, but they don't scare me.
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I would give myself c cups. I can always work off excess weight, but bigger boobs? That's something you have to buy.
21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? That would imply that I'm an angel... I'm not... Trust me.
22. What color eyes do you have? I guess the best way to describe them is hazel... but mostly they're green or grey with an inner ring of golden brown.
23. Ever been married? Nope. Been engaged 5 times though.
24. Bottle or draft? Draft requires me to actually go out, which is rare. So bottle is my usual.
25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Invest it.
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? Every now and then I'll get Extra or Trident and chew on that, but I'm not a big gum person...
27. What’s your favorite bar to hang at? Umm... None? I guess if I had to pick one it would be the Big I, except that it's all smokey in there. But that sort of place....
28. Do you believe in ghosts? You betcha!
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? hahahaha Spare time? I like to sleep. Sleep is good. Catch up on tv shows. Maybe watch something R-rated...
30. Do you swear a lot? More than I should...
31. Biggest pet peeve? Stupidity. Laziness. Toilet paper hung the wrong way. Slobs. Hippies that refuse to bathe. I have more....
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Different.
33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Perfectly flawed.

Sisterly Frustrations

2011-09-29T16:29:00.001-08:00

Before I start this post, let me first say that I love my sister. It took us decades to become friends, but we've finally managed it. That being said, there are times when I just want to effing strangle her.

A hug is a strangle you haven't finished yet.
(image courtesy of The Bloggess, read her blog if you
want to die laughing, because it's possible you might)

My sister is notoriously unhappy. When somebody gives you a description of her, that's usually a part of it. Angry is usually a part of it, too. Regardless, you can usually take whatever she says with a big grain of salt and move on to the next topic of conversation. Of course, if that fails, just tune her out while nodding and smiling, add the occasional "mmhmm" for emphasis. This should not be taken to mean that I never listen to my sister. We have some great conversations from time to time. But sometimes she gets pushy, forceful, overly opinionated, annoying, and judgmental. So when she gets into one of her moods, the best solution is to just appease her by pretending to listen until her rant is over. This also works when she goes into great detail about her vacation sex life... Except that some of those mental images will require a brain full of bleach to be removed.

Most people just don't understand my sister. They see her and they think she's the typical slightly awkward art school kid and that given a little encouragement she'll be happy to have someone to talk to. This is wrong. Chances are she doesn't want to talk to you. She also thinks your stupid. But don't take offense to that, I'm pretty sure she could meet Stephen Hawking and decide he's stupid. They also think that because she was an art school kid that she'll be accepting of pretty much all other occupations (to each their own, right?). This is also wrong. She will judge you. She will judge the shit out of you.
Example of her thought process:
Military? Immature Douche Bag.
Lawyer? Asshole.
Firefighter/Law Enforcement/Emergency Medic? Meh... Stupid.
Politician? Annoying and stupid.
Business owner? Stupid, because I can do your job better than you can.
Real Estate? Moron.
Scientist? You might be good at memorizing, but you're still an idiot.
Doctor? Asshole, you don't know shit.
Professional athlete? Lazy and stupid.
Engineer? Dip shit.
Artist/Musician/Writer? You're AMAZING! ...Unless I even remotely dislike your work, then you're a hack.
Parent? You've wasted your life. Also you're retarded... Breeder, I could be a better parent than you.

So you can see how we might disagree on a few topics....

Normally I can brush off whatever new insulting thing my sister says or does. Normally. But sometimes she pushes me too far and that's usually when I choose to stop hanging out with her for a while. Like I said, I love her, but I don't always like her. Today is one of those days....

She's been a rabid bitch ever since she realized that I have a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure this is because she can't possibly be happy unless everyone else around her is miserable. I also think that she might feel kind of abandoned by me. Mainly because almost all of her other friends have grown up and gotten married or engaged while she hasn't even gone on a date in the past three years. I was her last local pillar of singledom. Maybe she thought of us as two single sisters battling it out against a world of crazed couples. Whatever the mental scenario, meeting FF shattered it.

Ever since her introduction the other weekend she has been nothing but a furious ball of overly-sensitive anger. We went to Value Village to check out their costumes over the weekend. She drove. She actually threatened to leave my son and I there because we were walking around the store looking for her after she stormed off. To clarify, she stormed off for two reasons: One, my son chose a firefighter costume and she didn't approve because it's not something she would have picked. Two, I saw a friend and stopped to say hello and talk about plans for getting our boys together for ice skating soon. Yes, she got mad because a three year old picked out a firefighter costume instead of a zombie or a grim reaper or something. Goddess forbid he want to be anything not sister-approved. Personally, I think he's adorable in his little fireman helmet.

She's gone to such lengths as to vent to BigBrother about how my horrible choice in men is affecting my son's Halloween costume choice and how she's sure FF is stupid. This was a mistake. Mainly because FF is a long time friend of BigBrother and BigBrother took offense to the things she said. Now he's mad at her, I'm mad at her, and she's mad at the world. And that's not potentially awkward at all....

But wait, there's more. So I pop on to Facebook during a break at work and she sends me a message. She's just bought my son a Halloween costume. She's decided that he's going to be a Ghostbuster. Now I like the Ghostbusters as much as the next girl and yeah, it's cute that my son knows about four words of the theme song, but I'm 99% sure that he didn't pick that costume. Which means she undermined my authority as the mom, chose a costume for my child, and bought it in the hopes that I'd feel too much sisterly guilt to not force him to wear it. This comes right after I told her about my plan of costume shopping in Anchorage this weekend... Seriously.

At this point I'm just not even sure what to do about her. I love her, I really do, but I'm afraid that if she moves in with me (which is the plan as soon as I get my basement finished) I'm going to sneak downstairs and smother her in her sleep. She always thinks she knows what's best for my son and it's driving me crazy. But I know full well that if I confront her about it that she'll lose her schmidt and quit babysitting for me on Tuesday nights when I have class. I can't afford for that to happen. But on the other hand, if I have to hear one more word about how I'm stupid for choosing hockey over martial arts, or about how I'm limiting his potential by not buying him educational toys designed for ten year olds I'm going to lose my furking mind!

I get it! She's opinionated! But this is really getting to be too much...

Dare I say it?

2011-09-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

How do you know when somebody is right for you?
Is it when you trip over grass, land in their arms, smack their head against a truck, and still get laughter and a kiss? Yes, that actually happened because I am that clumsy.
Is it when they try so hard to relate to your inner comic nerd by trying to make use of whatever knowledge they gained from watching ten seasons of Smallville? It was adorable, even though he's wrong and Superman totally sucks when compared to Batman.
Is it when you mention a horribly calorie-packed Canadian dish that you want to try and they tell you that while they haven't had it, they've dreamed of eating it? We have agreed to make poutine (fries with gravy and cheese curds) this weekend, I hope it's as delicious as it sounds.
Is it when they push you to open up emotionally and for the first time in your life it doesn't scare the hell out of you? Because we're totally there.
Or maybe it's when they tell you that they like the sound of your voice so much that instead of taking turns reading a book, they would love it if you read it aloud with them? Which might sound weird to some people, but I think it's sweet and totally reminiscent of when couples sat out on blankets, having picnics, and reading stories and poetry to each other.

I am falling for FF. Completely and totally falling for him. A small part of my brain is yelling at me for it because it's all happening so fast, despite our best efforts to keep things slow. But every time we have a serious discussion or make any effort to slow things down it just endears him to me more.

It's a little frightening and a little confusing for me. But the scary part isn't the opening up, it's the fact that opening up doesn't scare me. The confusing part is that it all feels so right, and yet I don't even find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is everything I've ever wanted for myself. He meets every stupid, shallow standard. He's living up to every major requirement. And all of the things that he's been told are flaws, I find to be perfection. Holy eff I sound so romantic comedy cheesy right now... And he actually told me that he feels so lucky to have found someone who is so perfectly flawed for him.

That's right, my flaws? He loves them.

I don't want to get ahead of myself and everything, but I see a future for us. I can see myself living a very happy, totally contented, passionate life with this man. We even had the father-figure talk.... Which is totally a big deal and I didn't really want to have it this early, but given our feelings, I felt it needed to be done. I asked how he would feel about being in that role. He told me that he wouldn't want to be a father figure, because to him it implies a hollow position. He thinks that a father-figure is somebody who, while being the primary adult male in a child's life, takes no responsibility, has no say in decisions, and doesn't care. So he wouldn't want to be a father-figure, he'd want to be the father. Best.Answer.Ever.

Note to self: recreate this picture someday.

Could it be that I've found the person who is truly and completely right for me? Is it possible that I'm not just falling, that I've already hit bottom? I probably shouldn't over-think either one...

Okay, you may now giggle at my cheesy, love-struck girliness.

Sometimes you don't realize how bad you need a break until you break down

2011-09-25T18:24:00.000-08:00

Not too sound totally full of myself, but I'm pretty fucking smart. I have a ridiculously high comprehension level and I can catch on to most things within moments of my first attempt. I've always been way ahead of my peers. In fact, in the fourth grade while my friends were reading James and the Giant Peach or Bunnicula, I was reading Agatha Christie and following the adventures of Hercule Poirot. Actually, my 4th grade teacher had an issue with my choice of reading material when I told him I was reading Cat Among the Pigeons. He was sure I was lying until I gave him a full synopsis of the whodunit plot and my best guess about the identity of the killer... Needless to say, he was both flabbergasted and impressed.

So when I'm working on an assignment, project, or problem and I can't seem to grasp the answer or the concept, I ~~freak out~~ ~~throw a tantrum~~ ~~get angry~~ ~~want to scream~~ get a bit irritated. Yesterday morning was one of those mornings. I was working on some chemistry homework and for some reason my brain just couldn't wrap itself around the concept being presented. For hours I fought with my books, my study guides, and my assignment. I got angry. I cussed at my computer. I threw my book across the room, I got angry at myself for throwing a fit. I got angry with myself when I had to go pick my book off the floor. I finally broke down and cried in my bathroom because the material just wasn't making sense.

I sat in the bathroom, crying over net ionic equations and chemical reactions in water. I felt so low and so depressed. For a moment I envisioned myself, ten years from now, still desperately trying to pass this stupid chemistry course so I could finish my degree. Even in that imaginary vision of the future I was failing. Then I started sobbing about how I am never going to finish school and get my degree and how everything is pointless and I should just give up and settle for crap jobs that make me hate life.

I really hate not understanding things.

Eventually I pulled myself up, splashed some water on my face, and took a long hard look in the mirror. I reminded myself that all I need for this class is a C. I reminded myself that I'm very intelligent, but I can't master absolutely everything. There will always be things that I'm just not good at and I should count myself lucky for all the things that I am good at. I basically talked myself out of a mental and emotional break.

Looking back at it today, it's kind of funny. I mean, who really has that extreme of a reaction to failing an assignment? Me, apparently. But it's also worrisome. I knew that I've been stretched pretty thin this semester and that I sort of overloaded myself with classes. FYI, four classes on top of work and child and mortgage will definitely take its toll on you. I just didn't realize how close to a break down I was. All it took was one morning. One morning of difficult assignments to break my composure; to reduce me to a snivelling lump on the bathroom floor, shaking and crying because I couldn't understand one concept. It was kind of a shocking revelation.

Eventually, I returned to my computer, red-eyed and beaten. I kept trying to solve the problem, even though at this point I knew I wouldn't be receiving any credit for it. I kept at it until I solved it. The victory was a little hollow, know that I would never get points for all my hard work, but it was a victory all the same. That victory gave me the renewal of mental energy and determination to complete my remaining assignments. I was supposed to finish the rest of this coming week's work today. Although it isn't due until Friday, I wanted to have it done so I could be ahead and feel more relaxed. But after the break I suffered yesterday morning, I decided that the better option would be to spend today relaxing. No homework. No studying. No thinking about the week's class load. Just simple relaxing, cleaning, and daydreaming. An evening of drinking hot tea and enjoying the quiet solitude of my kitchen. And it feels wonderful.

Letting go and falling

2011-09-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, going into a pseudo-mushy post relating to feelings, fears, and relationships.... Don't say I didn't warn you...

I've been a commitment-phobe for just about my entire dating life. Although I've been engaged five times, the thought of settling down with just that one person has always scared the hell out of me. I still have hope that one day I'll get to that point with somebody and it won't scare me, that it will be just the next logical evolution in our relationship. But whenever I get that hinky feeling that something is wrong, I can't help but question the whole thing. And honestly, I've always been right and the best choice really was for me to move on. Because of that I've learned to really trust my gut.

On the other hand, after so many let-downs and scares I've developed a problem with opening up. I keep one foot on the ground the whole time because I feel like if I let go I'll lose control and won't be able to soften the blow when it comes. If I fall, it's limited by how far my personal safety net lets me go. Of course, it's hard to hit bottom and fall head over heels when you can't let go to do it.

This is why I always kept one foot grounded,
falling up looks confusing and terrifying.

The point of all of this is that with the right encouragement, just enough courage, and the desire for something more, I'm allowing myself to let go of that safety net. I'm letting go of the things that usually hold me back in a relationship. It scares the eff out of me, I'm not going to lie. The idea that I might fall and he might not is absolutely terrifying. But when something feels right, it feels right. Given that every other time has felt wrong in one way or another, this is a very welcome change. for once, I don't feel like I'm compromising my standards. So to everyone who ever told me that my standards were too high and that no one could possibly ever meet my expectations: Piss off, I furking win.

Don't get ahead of me now, I'm not just jumping in with both feet and going for the gold here. But little by little I am letting go of my reservations. It's terrifying and exciting and freeing and I'm pretty sure it will send me into emotional overload. But for now, I'm taking it one step at a time and that seems to be working. So in the future, if I seem to be getting soft and mushy on you, I very well could be.

About FF

2011-09-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

So I kind of blurbed about FF the other day and just expected you guys to kind of accept the bare minimum. Truth is, I didn't have time to gush all about him and our weekend together. But seeing as how I have nothing but filing left to do at work today, I have a bit of time to get you guys up to date.

I think I might really like you, unless of course
it's too early and you're uncomfortable hearing that

A few things about FF:
-He's awkward. Not quite as awkward as I am, but close.
-He's accident prone, probably more so than I am.
-He's 6'3" which means I can totally rock my 5" heels without towering over him and feeling like a giant. In fact, even in 5" heels, I'm shorter than he is. Yes, I tested this.
-You know that little shoulder nook at the base of the arm that is just perfect for snuggling into? I fit into that spot perfectly when standing next to him.
-He's a fire fighter.
-He is actually nice, unlike 98% of my exes.
-He is determined to get me out of my comfort zone and addressing my feelings. A big step for me that most people are too impatient to work on with me.
-He's responsible, both in a maturity sense and in a financial sense.
-I mentioned the whole part about him having a real job right? Crazy important after having to support some of my exes.
-I think he's sexy. And I don't typically go for blondes, outside of Alexander Skarsgard.
-He's younger than I am by a couple years, but you wouldn't know it by talking to him. He's been through some shit in his life and it made him grow up faster. It's something I love about him.
-We are scary similar. As in the same taste in and opinions of almost everything, except music and fruit and some movies. Don't ask, he's picky about fruit.
-My son absolutely adores him.
-He can be goofy and he makes me laugh.
-We went to high school together.
-He also traveled around for a while before settling back in Alaska. He just happened to settle in Anchorage.
-He understands that I've been through some serious health issues and doesn't give me the pity look because he's been there too, only worse.
-Sometimes his stories make him sound a little like a real-life superhero.... Only without the powers... So... Kind of like Batman? Except without the utility belt...
-I really like him, and oddly enough, he likes me back.
-We can talk on the phone and/or computer.For.Hours. Literally, like 6 hours... In a row... We're worse than twitterpated teenagers.

So, basically he's perfect for me...

Why are their eyes always closed?

He drove up to Fairbanks this weekend to see me. He got here on Sunday, stayed with me at my place, and left yesterday morning. Am I allowed to miss him already? Does that sound cheesy and pathetic? Despite me having to run some errands and make a couple minor house repairs, he was more than happy to just be with me. The man suffered through Fred Meyer with me. AND Lowe's. And he even helped me and the kiddo pick out new fish for the fish tank. Did I mention that the Kiddo killed the fish? A whole bag of fish food + piece of chalk = fish, dead by suffocation.

We've planned another visit for the end of the month and he already bought a ticket for it. I'm driving down there on the 30th, staying for the weekend, he's driving back with us on the 2nd, then he flies back down on the 4th. These sorts of 5 day visits should become a regular occurrence for us if things keep going as well as they have. Call me crazy, but I may have already started to fantasize about our possible future together... It would require a move on my part, which would require renting out or selling my house. It would also require switching schools. Mostly, it would require finding a new job and preschool. But all of that is just me being girlish and fantasy-driven.

What you need to know is that we're taking things slow. Despite the rush of feelings and both our attitudes about things just feeling right, we are both fully aware of our limited time together and we know better than to just jump into something completely serious right off the bat. Long story short, he makes me incredibly happy. I'm sure I'll have more to post after our next visit... Right now I'm going to bask in the joyful glow of post-visit, early romantic bliss. And possibly stalk his facebook pictures because I miss him.

Holy Updates, Batman!

2011-09-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I only have a little bit of time to write this, but I wanted to update all of you. It must have been the good vibes or well wishes, either way, my very stubborn grandmother has finally agreed to move back to Alaska (something she swore she'd never do) to do her cancer treatment. She's determined to fight because she feels like she still has so much left to accomplish. I am so glad she'll be up here around family. But as a warning, Look out Fairbanks! The meanest girl in town is making her big return!

In other news, I have a boyfriend. *gasp!* I know, it's a huge shock, right? I promise to tell more about it later. For now, know that he's wonderful, kind, really tall, responsible, mature, and my son adores him. He's so much like me while being just different enough to keep things interesting. He has a real job (see: career), a house, everything.... He's independent and likes that I am, too. He also happens to out do me in the accident-prone department and comes in at a close second in being awkward. Never thought I'd say that, did you?

He has this goal to get me out of my emotion-free shell and actually encourages me to be more open about the mushy stuff. Now, normally I don't do emotions, you guys know that. But for the first time in years I'm willing to work on that. That says a lot in itself. So yeah, he makes me deliriously happy, he makes my son happy, and he pushes me to better myself. It would be a little too perfect if it weren't for the constant possibility of physical injury (we are both that clumsy, so the combination could be devastating). Anywho, my awesome readers, I'd like you to meet FF. Let's hope he continues to make frequent and happy appearances here.

Emotional Sucker Punch

2011-09-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

You may or may not see a lapse in my blog posts in upcoming weeks. This morning I found out that my grandmother's cancer that was responding so well to treatment has, in fact, metastasized. Meaning that it has actually gotten worse and spread to other parts of her body. I might blog to deal with it or I might just iternalize the whole thing. In any case, it's a difficult thing to deal with and I'm finding it really hard to write about. Actually, it's making it hard to write about much of anything.

When things calm down and get figured out I'll be back to my usual blogging self. Which will be great because I honestly do have new good news to share on here. But it'll have to wait until I can write without feeling like I just got sucker punched...

Sobering Moment

2011-09-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

I was at Home Depot on Monday. Although most people were out celebrating their extra day off work, I was picking up supplies so I could tile my bathroom. I was looking over their available tiles while trying to mentally calculate the square footage that I'd need to cover when my phone rang. I glanced at the screen and saw my sister's number. I picked it up ready to ask if she was calling to volunteer her laboring or babysitting skills when she told me the news.

"Grandma is in the hospital. She has cancer."

You know how in the movies when a character comes to a dramatic realization they do that weird zoom effect where the camera stays focused on them but everything else seems to zoom out in the background? That's what it felt like. I felt everything inside me sink and everything around me melted away for a minute. Flashes of losing all of my other grandparents ran through my head. It felt like a big chunk of my world just gave way.

I took a deep, shaky breath. Apparently, I had forgotten to breath in my shock.

Me: "What?"
Sister: "Grandma, she has cancer. She's in the hospital. Mom and Dad are still at the cabin, do you think I should call the uncles?"
Me: "Uh. Yeah. Um. Yeah, you should call them. Is she... Is she okay?"
Sister: "No, I don't think she is. It sounds serious."
Fuuuuuccccckkkk.

I got off the phone and stood there in shocked silence for a bit. BigBrother was occupying the Kiddo but paused to glance up at me. "Everything okay?"

Me: "No.... Not really... My grandma has cancer."
BigBrother: "Oh shit."
Me: *deep breath* "Yeah...... So about this tile...."

Don't read that and think that I just brushed off the whole cancer thing. I didn't. It was very much present in my mind. But since my Grandma lives in Oregon and I'm in Alaska, there's not a lot I could do about it. But there was something I could do about my untiled bathroom. So instead of getting angry or crying, I chose to occupy myself with something constructive.

In all my life I've never heard my grandmother cry. She's always been the toughest, strongest, and sometimes meanest woman I know. Sure, she knits and crochets, but she can also cuss like a sailor and drink you under the table. This woman was a blackjack dealer in Reno. This woman shot down Clint Eastwood for being a womanizing jackass. This woman once pulled the steering wheel off her car while driving and handed it to her boyfriend because if he was going to critique her driving then maybe he should drive. They crashed, obviously, but she walked away unscathed. They also broke up shortly thereafter. My grandmother is freaking fearless and I love her. But that day I heard my grandmother cry...

The good news is that the first doctor ~~had a death wish~~ was far too overzealous in diagnosing her. He ~~is a furking moron~~ saw the results of her MRI and immediately declared it cancer without so much as a test. He also scared her half to death and convinced her that it wasn't that far off in her future. Luckily, she was transferred to a different hospital where the doctors actually ~~have brains~~ perform tests. The bad news is that it's lung cancer. The good news is that she was able to receive treatment this week and they've already removed the tumor on her lung. After another day of monitoring and possibly some chemo she should be able to go home.

In a way I'm a little thankful for the shock it gave my family. My grandmother has always been very independent and has refused every offer from my parents to fly her up for a visit. Because of that, my sister barely knows her and she hasn't seen Alaska in decades. I am lucky enough to have bonded with her over my many visits during my adult life. My son has gotten to spend quality time with her on more than one occasion. But this shock has shown her that life is too short to be so distant.

From what I hear from my mother (who has been down there with her since Wednesday morning), she's already harassing the doctors and nurses about getting out of there because she has shopping and sewing to do. After all, she's going with us to Hawaii in February and she has new dresses to make before then. A big change from her flat out refusal to join us last week...

I'm just really glad that she's going to be okay.

I love you, grandma!

Rough Seas Ahead

2011-09-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

Wait, you mean I need to do all of this AND finish my education?!

I started back at school last week. And I can say with a heavy sigh that after taking the summer off, I'm reluctant to return. I suppose it didn't occur to me before just how much time I was spending on homework and at school. Now that I've spent a whole summer showering my son with attention, I feel guilty returning to school.

Not to say that I don't want to return, I do. I desperately want to finish my degree and I know that it is necessary to both mine and my child's futures. But just thinking about the upcoming long nights of homework and long Saturday mornings in front of the computer, while my son entertains himself with toys, movies, and coloring books... Honestly, during some of those particularly long mornings of intense homework I feel like I'm neglecting him. I may have fed him breakfast, and gotten him focused on a project, toy, or movie, but I'm not exactly actively spending time with him. And it hurts a little when it occurs to me.

I'm so not this classy when I'm studying...

This semester is looking to be exceptionally difficult. With my plate filled up with four classes plus work and house repairs, I'm concerned that my son will begin to resent the time I'm spending on homework. And it's not as easy as waiting until he's in bed to do homework. I work best in the morning while planted in front of my coffee pot. Plus, by the time night rolls around I'm just as exhausted as he is, probably more so.

Need. More. Coffee.

Honestly, this is more a vent than anything else. It's just really tough to deal with adding school to the equation sometimes. Luckily, I have an awesome support system and a family that (while being occasionally reluctant) is almost always there to help me out when school needs to be a priority. If I can make it through this semester, I can accomplish just about anything.

So.... onwards and upwards, as they say. Time to buck up, knuckle down, and get back to the grind... Someday he'll thank me for all of this hard work and stress...

Remember when studying meant getting dolled up before going
to the campus library in case you decided to have a quiet tryst
behind the atlas section?
...Oh, was that just me?

The Winning Club of Badassitude and Awesomeness

2011-08-31T14:48:00.000-08:00

I was going to name this club the Chuck Norris Club of Badassitude and Awesomeness, but Chuck hasn't gotten back to me yet about giving the club his endorsement. But seriously, how kick ass does that name sound? We can call it the CNCBA for short. So for now it's simply called The Winning Club of Badassitude and Awesomeness.

This club idea came to me when I was reading an article from the local paper entitled: Alaskan Woman Punches Bear That Was Threatening Her Dog. Basically, this woman in Juneau let her dog out to pee when she heard it barking like crazy. She ran out to take a look and found a bear attacking it. The bear had the dog in its paws and was starting to bite down on the dog's neck.

So what does this 22-year old woman do? Does she grab a gun? Nope. Does she grab a bat? Nope. Does she get her boyfriend? Nope. She runs at the bear and punches it. In. The. Face.

...Yeah, let that sink in for a minute...

She punches the bear in the murther furking face!

In my head it looks something like this:

Woman (A) punching bear (B)

Best of all, it worked. She punched the bear hard enough to stun it, meanwhile she picked up her dog and did a badass walk back to her house. And where was her boyfriend during all of this? Watching from the porch and thinking, "So much for being the man in this relationship..." or possibly, "Dude! I'm dating She-Hulk!"

So in light of this woman's amazing baddassness, I've decided that she deserves some recognition. Therefore, I am creating a club and inducting her as a full-fledged member.

So here's a few things about the club...

The Winning Club of Badassitude and Awesomeness

Founded: Before time began, recognized in 2011.
President: MitLF (until I can convince Chuck Norris to step in)
About: The WCBA strives to recognize those individuals who have proven themselves to be a combination of both badass and awesome, mostly via some extraordinary feat of greatness.
Requirements for new members: Must be awesome. Must be badass. Must be able to get the President's stamp of approval.
Club mascot: Indiana Jones

List of current members
Chuck Norris
Bruce Lee
Teddy Roosevelt
Clint Eastwood
Bruce Campbell
Julius Caesar
Doc Holliday
Blackbeard
Muhammad Ali
Joan of Arc
Winston Churchill
Alexander Hamilton
Evel Knievel

Should you want to nominate an individual for induction into the Winning Club of Badassitude and Awesomeness, please submit their name and a description of their achievements to MitLF.

Domestic Enemies of the High Risk Mom

2011-08-30T11:12:00.001-08:00

Nobody wants to have that conversation with their OB. The one where they sit you down and explain that some pregnancies are harder than others and come with more complications. Nobody wants to hear them utter the words "bed rest", especially not when it's combined with "six months." I was one of the unlucky few to hear those words. In my third month, my doctor put me on strict bed rest with the threat of hospitalization if I couldn't comply with his orders. More often than not, people seemed to think it was all pampered soap-watching and bonbon-eating. I can tell you with certainty that it was not.

If any of this seems to not make sense it's because I'm pretty sure I began to lose my mind during those six months. It's been three and a half years since then and my mind still hasn't returned. But this is Mommyland and chances are good that it'll never return... Ever.

You Don't Look Broken
Typically when you're on bed rest you don't appear to have anything wrong with you. To any unknowing bystander, you just seem lazy. Here you are, no baby bump showing yet and already you're milking this pregnancy for all it's worth. Except you're not. Even though it doesn't look like it, something is wrong with your body. Just because they couldn't see the problem with my cervix doesn't mean it didn't exist. Unfortunately, without visible trauma most people are more willing to believe that you're just being lazy and that nothing is actually wrong with you.

But if you do manage to convince them that there's something wrong with you....

It's All Your Fault
It doesn't matter what the reason is, once people learn that you're high risk they are sure it's because you did something wrong. Like if you'd been a better person and ate more broccoli that you wouldn't have developed cancer cells on your cervix. Or if you hadn't drank so much alcohol after finding out then they wouldn't have had to cut out so much of it. Apparently, I'm just a bad person who deserved this high risk pregnancy. The worst part of this group of people is the lectures.

Yes, I understand the perils of alcohol and how it can affect the body, you really don't have to keep talking. Seriously, the only reason I haven't walked away is because I'm not supposed to get up. Which leads me to my next point...

You're Trapped
We've all been stuck in a conversation that we can't get out of. You're bored to death, completely grossed out, or both... No matter what direction you try to move the conversation they just won't budge. They are determined to tell you about their 23 hours of labor during their natural birth... For the fifth time. Normally you could just walk away, but when you're on bed rest walking away isn't exactly an option. So you sit there with giving them a look that's a cross between deer-in-headlights, cornered-wild-animal, and kidnap-victim. You desperately try to change the topic, but their train of word vomit just keeps on chugging.... I'm pretty sure that some of them know you're trapped and that's why they start telling stories. They see a captive audience, so they whip out every story that nobody ever wants to hear.

At that point you actually start to consider the benefits of preterm labor... Until you remember...

The Horror
If you are at high risk of going into preterm labor, it apparently becomes the job of every person on the planet to inform you of the horrors (real or not) of preemies. It doesn't matter if your doctor has already educated you on the possible not-so-great outcomes. It doesn't matter if you've already read books on dealing with high-risk pregnancies and preemie babies. You get to hear about it all over again every time somebody new visits with you. Because that isn't terrifying at all. Or at least, not as terrifying as...

Living in a Disaster Area
You know how when you first met your significant other and you were vaguely disgusted by their living conditions? You never knew that dishes could rot until you looked in their sink and you were pretty sure that you'd have to get a tetanus shot after using their bathroom. Also, it's possible that the door to Narnia was under the giant pile of dirty clothes in their bedroom. Since meeting them you've managed to change all that. Now the two of you live in clean, hazmat-free conditions and your laundry pile is usually clean.

...Until you end up on bed rest. Suddenly everything you taught him fades away until you're praying to every holy thing you can think of for FEMA to stop by because you are in desperate need of disaster relief. Also, something may have died because there's an awful smell coming from the sink. And you have to live like that because you're on doctors orders to not pick up a laundry basket, let alone vacuum the living room. Nagging helps a little, but in the end...

You're Bitter and Angry
Everybody else can get up and walk. They can go places and do things. Meanwhile you're stuck laying on the couch, eye twitching uncontrollably, because your OCD is eating away at your brain and the primal urge to "nest" is being denied and nothing you do helps the fact that you're not going anywhere. Nothing anybody does is helpful because it's not you doing it. And you don't want to make your significant other feel bad, so you tell him that you don't mind if he has a night out with the boys, when really you want to throttle him in his sleep because he didn't decide to stay home and be bored with you. Everything is wrong, so...

You Try to Find Distractions
Do you remember being bored as a kid? It would be a rainy day and you'd flip through the channels and nothing would ever be on and there was nothing to do and blah blah blah life sucks? Welcome to bed rest. Every movie on HBO? You've seen it, twice. You've read more books than a world lit major. You've spoken to every distant relative and friend on the phone for hours in a desperate attempt to connect with somebody. Those career school you see advertised on television? You've just completed an entire 6-month course in a matter of weeks. But after a few months, the distractions begin to run out. Until...

I've been looking forward to this
since our visit last Wednesday!

You Start Looking Forward to Doctor Visits
Your weekly (yes, I said weekly) doctor visits become thrilling adventures. How many special shots will I get this week? What sort of growth hormones are they going to dose my baby with now? Mostly all you can think is: Oh.Holy.Crap! I can't believe I'm out of the house! *SQUEE!* Yep, you squeal like a tweenage girl at a Twilight premiere until...

You Get The Shots
My butt was so sore throughout my pregnancy, and it wasn't from sitting. It was from the weekly injections. You see, in order to keep you from going into premature labor they inject you with a specially (see: expensive) compounded, Molotov cocktail of hormones. You get a shot every single week and the needle is never small. Sometimes you get extra shots, these are growth hormones for the baby, so if you do go into premature labor there's a better chance of the baby surviving. But the shots aren't as bad as...

The Pills
Despite having excellent blood pressure, I had to take blood pressure pills. The medication was shown to have certain side effects in pregnant women, such as postponing labor. What you don't know is that they can give you hypertension and and terrible muscle tension. Your heart beats so hard and fast that you feel like you've been running from a crazed killer in a slasher movie. Your muscles tense up randomly and it feels like the only way to released them is to hit something really, really hard. And gee, your significant other hasn't cleaned this week he'd make an excellent target.... That's when you realize that...

This steering wheel is hooked to my coffee table!
That way I can drive my couch to Pluto and give
it a hug because I feel almost like a planet, too!
I must remember to pack Mars Bars to feed to the
asteroids on the way... Bazinga!

You've Just Lost Your Mind
After months of not being able to stand for longer than fifteen minutes (but damned if you haven't learned to shower more quickly), you realize that you've been slowly descending into some outer ring of hell and your mind jumped ship a while ago. You'd curl up in the fetal position and rock yourself sane, except now your body can't form that position because you have a giant belly in the way. So in order to make yourself feel better...

You Eat
After all, what else are you going to do now? You can't get up, you can't go for a walk, you're out of books to read... This is all you have left. But wait, you can't just eat anything! You currently have no form of exercise and you're far too vain to let yourself go (or is that just me?). So your stress-eating changes from a pint of Ben&Jerry's to spinach salad with cottage cheese and sunflower seeds... You're afraid to consume too much of your beloved chocolate because that's just more you'll have to work off later, so you replace it with chocolate-free trail mix in an attempt to stay healthy while eating away your insanity and depression.

As bad as all of this is, you do it. You grudgingly adhere to every doctor's order and diet restriction. Some how you manage to survive the bed rest, sanity somewhat intact, and you give birth to a healthy, full-term baby (if you're lucky). Personally, my son lasted until a week before his due date and came out perfectly healthy. He's three and a half now and seems determined to wipe out the remainder of my sanity. But that's a whole other set of enemies...

Training Does Not Mean Beating

2011-08-25T09:49:00.001-08:00

Okay, if there's one thing that drives me completely effing batty it's when people talk about using negative reinforcement on their pets. When their pet does something wrong their first response is to beat the animal. As if beating actually helps!

Sigh...

Sure, beating helps...
...Helps him learn to fear you.

Let me make one thing clear to you guys, beating your pet does not teach them the lesson you're hoping for. Do you know what it does teach them? It teaches them that lashing out violently when you dislike something is acceptable behavior. Don't tell me that your pet doesn't understand that, because I promise you he/she does.

Abused pets are way more likely to bite somebody than a well cared for pet is. And to make myself absolutely clear, beating your pet is considered abuse. The reason they are more likely to bite or attack another person or animal is because that is what they've been trained to do. By beating your dog you have essentially trained them to react in precisely that manner. But since dogs don't have hands and fists to beat people with, they use the next best thing, their teeth.

So, instead of beating your pet to change their behavior, try utilizing these resources:
ASPCA Articles
-Training Your Dog
-Clicker Training
-Training to Enrich Your Dog's Life
-Impulse Control Training

Other Articles
-Obedience Commands
-Puppy Training
-Dog Behavior Training

Sit TV A YouTube Channel from Sit Means Sit Dog Training. Includes training tips.
Cesar Milan's Website He has an excellent training method.
Animal Planet: Dog Behavior

Your pets will thank you.

Two Evenings With a Low Odor Stripper

2011-08-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

Don't lie, you totally started reading in the hopes that this would turn into a "Dear Penthouse Forum" letter...

So the other day I went to Lowe's... I had a vague idea about how I wanted to start stripping my kitchen cabinets back to their original finish before painting them a different color. So I strolled to the paint aisles and stared at strippers for about ten minutes.

Do you have any idea how many different types of thinners and strippers there are? Are you giggling because I keep talking about strippers? There are regular strippers, odorless strippers, low-odor strippers, green strippers, toxic strippers.... the list goes on. Thinking about my son and my pets, I settled on a green, bio-degradable, low-odor paint stripper. Plus, it had a handy spray nozzle attachment.

Back at my house I stood in my kitchen, staring down my cabinets. I'm sure it would have been intimidating if painted vintage metal cabinets could be intimidated... Anywho, this is how they looked when I started:

I originally painted them with interior paint.
No, don't yell at me, I didn't know any better at the time.
Plus, they were already painted with interior paint.

At the end of the first evening, after hours of soaking it with
stripper and scraping the paint off.

Apparently, my cabinets had been four shades of off-white,
olive green, spring green, and originally a pale yellow.

At the end of the second evening.
The first cabinet door is back to the original finish.
Note: I added the severed child limb for affect.

Additional note: Just kidding, the arm is still attached...
...Or is it?

Final note: Sorry for weird sense of humor today. I promise my
child's arm is fully intact and he is just fine.

That's one cabinet door down, only twelve more doors and seven drawers to go....

The Parental Guide to Creative Cussing

2011-08-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

As parents we've all been there. Somebody cuts you off in traffic, you accidentally step on a Hot Wheels car (or worse, a Thomas train).... It's inevitable that at some point during your early parental life you will find yourself in a situation that urges you to curse. While some parents find it endearing to see their toddler mimicking curse words, most of us have the good sense not to expose them to it whenever possible.

Of course, it's during those stressful times that our minds seem to draw a blank. You trip over the Batcave in the hallway and find yourself scrambling for an appropriate verbal response that won't taint the vocabulary of your little ones. When words fail us and no PG-rated substitute can be found we usually just end up giving a wordless roar/cry/scream and then mumble quietly to ourselves until the moment passes.

So for all of my fellow parents who have ever found themselves at a loss for age-appropriate words, this post is for you.

Son of a Bee's Nest
Furk
Murther Furker
Fork
Balls
Cheese and rice
Fudge
Fudge Nugget
Ish
Schmidt
Oh, Coconuts
Murder Forker (possibly not so PG-rated... but better than the alternative)
Freak/Frick (yes, I often sound like Elliot from Scrubs)
Eff
Jackhat
Jackbag
Jackhole
Shut The Front Door
Whuck
Son of a Biscuit
Biscuits and Gravy
Bugger
Flocking Birds
Dirty, Rotten Basket
Muck
Bichon Frise (actually, this is a breed of dog, but it works)
Crabcakes
Fraggle Rock
Son of a Beast
Shipwrecked

What are some of your favorite kid-friendly, creative curse words?

In Which I Wreck My Car

2011-08-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

So I wrecked my car today....

True story.

My sister, my son, and I were on our way to the Chowder House when we encountered a red light. Being an intelligent human being, I stopped. There was one car in front of me, they were planning to turn on to the Steese. The light turned green, they started to go, I started to go, and the all hell broke loose.

A retarded (and I use that term for lack of a better one, as I'm sure his intelligence level is an insult to all mentally handicapped people) bicyclist whips out into the intersection and cuts off the car in front of me. They slam on their brakes, narrowly avoiding the bicyclist. I slam on my brakes and swerve, hoping to avoid hitting their car. Unfortunately, I am the embodiment of Murphy's Law...

I did not avoid their car. I managed to swipe their driver side rear end with a stomach-churning crunch....

We pull over outside of the intersection and I collect myself. I'm officially irritated. The bicyclist who started this whole fiasco stops and says, "Hey, sorry about that. It was totally my fault. Is everybody okay?" I barely had time to say, "Yeah, I think so." Before he sped off. That's right, he didn't even stick around...

I exchange information with the other vehicle's occupants. It all looks pretty minor on their end. A new tail light and some clips to reattach the plastic bumper piece and they're good to go.

...And then I turn around...

My stomach felt like it dropped through the floor when I saw my car. I slowly walked to it, wrapping my brain around the damage. I reached down a pulled a piece off my car. How could my car have so much damage when theirs had so little? Because I managed to hit the crush zone...

My entire front passenger side panel was crushed, so much so that I couldn't open the passenger door. My windshield wiper fluid was practically scraping the ground. My headlight was shattered. My wheel well was literally wrapped around my tire. Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk. I reached into the front of my car and pulled out another broken piece. A part of me wanted to be sick, the other part wanted to scream, the biggest part of me wanted to throttle the damned bicyclist that cut us off in the first place.

Fun Fact: You are not supposed to ride your bike through a crosswalk, you must dismount and walk it across. Also, you must "exercise care to avoid collision with other persons or vehicles", per AK statute 13 AAC 02.400.

After pictures are taken and insurance info exchanged, we get ready to call a tow truck and depart. Did I mention that my car was undriveable? I walk back to my car to inform my sister and she instead tells me that we have to wait for the cops. Confused, I say, "But nobody called the cops." She replies, "You have to call the cops." I said, "No, actually you don't. You just have to exchange information, and we did that." She says, "Well, I called the cops anyway." I repeat, fuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk.

While we're standing there waiting and taking more pictures (because why not? We're stuck there anyway), I glance towards the intersection. That same fucking bicyclist is back and looping his way around the entire intersection. Yeah, he went around the whole damn thing... In a giant circle.... Again.... For no fucking reason!

So now we're all stuck waiting around for the cops to come.... Ten or fifteen minutes later, Fairbanks' finest finally pull up to start asking questions. We explain what happened, he calls me a tow truck, gets a description of the now vanished bicyclist, and hung around to wait for the tow truck with me. In all honesty, he was probably concerned that if he left I'd hunt down the bicyclist and beat him to a bloody pulp with the broken pieces from my car...

You may be wondering what my sister and son were doing during all of this. My son was happily playing with cars in the backseat. Meanwhile, my sister was calling a bunch of family members and sending pictures to friends... This, of course, only infuriated me further. And just to clarify for all those who got her side of the story, I did not cry. I did not scream. I was not breaking down. In fact, she screamed bloody murder when it happened and I proceeded to take deep angry breaths in order to calm myself down. Then I calmly handled the situation.

Then the tow truck came... I'm sure he took one look at me and assumed that I was some terrible woman driver, when in fact I am a great driver who just happened to not swerve quickly enough. My poor car is now sitting in the lot at Gabes, waiting for my insurance claim to be processed.... In my driveway is a company truck.

And now for the moment you've been waiting for... The carnage...

FML

Dammit...

My poor car...

The other car...

And just so you all know, nobody was injured. We had the most damage and we barely even felt the impact. The crush zone worked exactly as it's supposed to. It crushed to keep us safe. Still sucks though.

Googlpocalypse

2011-08-16T08:00:00.007-08:00

Don't say I didn't warn you...

I'm still hammering out the name... Googocalypse? Googalypse? Goopocalypse? Googlocalypse? But with Google's recent acquisition to their global empire (they bought Motorola), it should be clear to everyone that they're planning to take over the world. Personally, I love Google. My phone uses their Android system and I can't wait for the day it bumps Apple iOS out of first place. Mark my words, the day is coming.

With their plan for global domination so obvious, I figured that it was time to unveil my new zombie apocalypse theory....

As much as it pains me to say it, Apple is currently reigning supreme in the tech world. They've cornered the market on mp3 players. For some reason, their iphones still outsell everything else. And despite Microsoft's marketing campaigns to show off snazzy, new, more creative-friendly operating systems (I'm a pc) Apple still has a good chunk of that market as well.

This is how it will begin... Google is hungry for greater domination and Apple is too stubborn to let go. By all rights they should have fizzled out in the mid-90's when they were still known as Macintosh... So here's where my theory comes into play. With Google's recent purchase of Motorola I think it's pretty clear that they've set their sights on toppling Apple's tech empire. Smartphones are only the beginning...

Do you have any idea what all Motorola controls? Everything from phones to RFID tags. They even dabble in mobile computers.

Google and Apple are going to start competing seriously against each other in upcoming years. When one advances, the other will have to top it in order to stay in the game. They will have to continually expand their focuses until they're involved in every scientific field available. This back and forth will continue until their technologies clash and spark some sort of cataclysmic event that leads to the creation of zombies. There's a good chance that zombie ant fungus will be involved.

....Or maybe I'm just losing my mind from lack of sleep.

Have I mentioned the insomnia has started up again?

Now I'm paranoid, tired, and running out of chamomile tea...

Not really relevant to this post, but seriously...
how could I NOT include this?

Things that make dairy-free life livable

2011-08-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

So, as you've heard me complain for months and months, I've become lactose intolerant. Over the course of almost a full year I've had to try a lot of new things. These new things are substitutes for the dairy I once loved so much. During this time there have been some epic disasters (Why do they even make soy milk anymore?), some bad tastes (never, ever try soy cheese), and some horrifying products (if soy yogurt was a person, I'd punch him/her in the throat). The following is a list of lactose-free products that don't suck. In fact, these products make my new dairy-free lifestyle livable, if not almost enjoyable.

1. Lact-Aid

Get the chewable because sometimes you don't have
a drink on hand to wash down the pill.
Warning: Chewable tastes like chalk....

Okay, so really, this product only helps you consume the dairy that you aren't really supposed to have. But you know what? Eff it. Sometimes you really, really want that slice of pizza. And without the cheese pizza just sucks. And other times you really want certain other foods, but again you run into the dairy factor. You're not consuming dairy all the time or anything, just on the random, special occasion. For this the solution is simple: Carry some Lact-Aid with you and for a brief moment you can savor the orgasmic taste of the dairy products you miss so much. Warning: Moderation is key here, taking a pill won't allow you to consume a gallon of Ben&Jerry's, but it will allow you a few bites without the pain, nausea, or other major side effects. Minor side effects may still occur.

2. Sour Supreme

I never realized just how much I loved sour cream until I couldn't have it anymore. It's just so damned good and versatile. Mexican food? Add sour cream. Homemade soup? Add sour cream. Baked potato? Add sour cream. Baking something? Add sour cream. Making a sauce? Add sour cream. So when you suddenly can't have sour cream things tend to suck a bit. Then I discovered Tofutti Sour Supreme. I was a little unsure at first, but I've grown to love it. And although it doesn't have quite that same sour bite that real sour cream does, it's a close fake. Just don't let the fact it's made with tofu scare you off.

3. Better Than Cream Cheese

Another product from the Tofutti line, this almost cream cheese closely mimics the real thing (without the painful stomach ache afterwards). Finally, my toasted bagels don't suck anymore!

4. Almond milk

Slightly sweet, rich, creamy, and freaking delicious. It's kind of everything that milk is not, while still being milk-like. Best of all, my son likes it and it's freaking awesome in cereal. Just the fact that I can eat cereal again is awesome.

5. Almond Dream Ice Cream

Specifically, the chocolate flavor. Imagine the delicious taste of almonds combined with the also delicious taste of chocolate. That's the flavor of the chocolate Almond Dream Ice Cream. It's so good that you'll forget it isn't dairy. My only complaint is that there aren't more flavors available. Seriously, if B&J could team up with Almond Dream, it's possible that I'd never miss dairy again....

So far these are the products that rock my lactose-free socks. I recommend giving them a whirl, even if you aren't lactose-intolerant.

Recipes of Awesomeness

2011-08-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

So I don't typically post recipes on here unless I've found them to be pretty exceptional. Well, as of last night I have two rather exceptional recipes to share with you.

The first one is Zucchini Cornbread. From scratch (because I'm that awesome).

You'll need the following:
-A loaf pan
-1 stick unsalted butter
-2 large eggs
-1/2 cup buttermilk
-About 10 ounces of zucchini
-1 cup all purpose flour
-1/2 cup whole wheat flour
-1/2 cup sugar
-1 tsp baking powder
-3/4 tsp fine sea salt
-1/2 tsp baking soda
-3/4 cup medium grind cornmeal
-Wax paper

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Instead of greasing your loaf pan, cut a strip of wax paper big enough to fit in the bottom of the pan. It's more than okay if the wax paper is bigger than the bottom of the pan, the bread will come out that much easier.

Melt your butter in a sauce pan over medium-high heat for about 3 minutes until the solids at the bottom turn golden brown. Scrape butter into a medium sized bowl and let it cool. Whisk in buttermilk and eggs.

Coarsely grate your zucchini and add it to the butter mixture. Stir together until well blended.

Sift both flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt together into a large bowl. Whisk in the cornmeal. Fold in zucchini mixture. It will be very thick. Transfer batter to pan, smooth the top, and bake for 55ish minutes. Bread should be golden and a toothpick inserted into the center should come out clean.

Next, is the recipe for Tomato-Watermelon Salad. It's better than it sounds.

You'll need:

-8 cups seedless watermelon (about 6 pounds), cut into chunks

-3 pounds ripe tomatoes (preferably heirloom and in assorted colors), cored, cut into chunks (about 6 cups)

-5 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided

-1 1/2 tablespoons red wine vinegar

-3 tablespoons dill, basil, and mint (1 tbs each, and fresh herbs if you can manage... if not, that's okay too)

-Chopped watercress (or arugula), to taste

-1 cup crumbled feta cheese (about 5 ounces)

-1/2 cup sliced almonds (a 3.5 ounce package will work)

Combine watermelon, tomatoes, herbs, watercress, feta, and almonds in large bowl. Mix well. Drizzle with vinegar and olive oil, mix again. Serve.

Sorry there aren't pictures with this. I was so busy eating and being excited about the awesomeness of my new recipes that I forgot to take pictures before both dishes were devoured. But try them out and enjoy them anyway, you'll be happy you did!

Stingy Airlines and Running With Toddlers

2011-08-04T16:35:00.000-08:00

To my knowledge there is no airline more stingy than Alaska. I don't mean that when you're flying they limit your peanuts (although they do make you pay exorbitant sums of money in order to receive anything but water and the obligatory Gardettos that they hand out nowadays), I mean that they're stingy with their credit cards. I have been applying for an Alaska Airlines Visa since I turned 18 back in 2003. Every single time I've been shot down.

You might be asking yourself: "Hey, why does she need an Alaska Airlines credit card so bad?" Well, dear reader, I'll tell you. You see, up here in Fairbanks there is only one major airline that flies in and out of the airport year-round. That airline is Alaska. So basically, if I want to go anywhere out of the state and not have to hassle with booking through multiple carriers individually, then I'm stuck using Alaska. That being the case, it's only logical to keep a mileage account with them. But sadly, my mileage account seems to be close to flat-lining. Yes, I get miles for flying, miles for using the dreaded GCI cable and interent service, and I even get miles when I use certain fuel companies, but all of those miles just aren't adding up like I want them to. That's where having the credit card comes in.

With an Alaska Airlines credit card I can rack up miles with my regular purchases. Oh effing balls, I sound like a commercial... This means that if I want to visit my grandmother in Oregon, or attend a friend's wedding, or even take the kiddo to DisneyLand it can happen faster. But everything changed today. Today I finally got the phone call from Alaska Airlines to let me know that I was finally approved for one of their magickal, highly coveted credit cards. I'm pretty sure they're make from pressed unicorn horns, which would explain why Alaska Airlines is so stingy about giving them out. Hope transformed into reality as they spoke those three little words, "You've been approved."

Now with double the unicorn horns.

...Of course, reality came crashing down into place when they explained that my credit limit would be low enough to barely afford my son's hockey equipment for this year.... But everybody has to start somewhere, and I'm just glad that my persistence finally paid off. Do you think they gave me one just to shut me up?

In other news, I've decided to start jogging. Note that I didn't say running, I said jogging, which is a much slower form of running or a really fast form of walking. The problem I'm finding is that I have a three year old. I cant just leave him at home alone to head off jogging around the neighborhood, and he's far too little to keep up with me. So, what's a mom to do? I don't have a treadmill, nor do I have money for one. And no, my new Alaska Airlines card will not be able to buy me a treadmill.... Ellipticals are out of the question, they're even more expensive than treadmills. And don't get me started on finding an affordable gym with a child care facility.

Seriously?! Who the eff buys this??

Never fear though, I have a plan. I always have a plan. I'm kind of like an evil genius in that way. I have a bike trailer with a stroller attachment. This thing was obviously made to keep up a good pace because it hooks to a bike. And I can bike way faster than I can jog. So I'm going to dust it off, clean it up, strap the kiddo in, and take off (on what is sure to be a short-lived adventure). Failing that option, the kiddo is starting up hockey this year. That means at least half an hour (how long does hockey practice for four year olds last?) of uninterrupted quiet time during which I happen to be tethered to the Big Dipper or Patty Ice Arena. I'm really hoping for the Dipper because the dipper is set up for jogging. So I can jog around the hallways while the kiddo plays hockey. This also means that when it gets too cold for the bike trailer/stroller, I'll have options that don't involve buying a large piece of exercise equipment.

Lies!

But, while I'm thinking about it, I should ask.... Does anybody have any tips for jogging with toddlers? That don't involve strapping them into the stroller with duct tape.... (because I thought of that one already)

Confessions: Rejection Fantasy

2011-08-02T10:00:00.001-08:00

I get a twisted joy out of breaking up with people. Normally I don't really enjoy being mean, so perhaps it's because breaking up is one of the few socially acceptable times to be a little cruel. Whatever the reason may be, you have to admit that there's a little thrill in breaking a heart. Yes, I'm a terrible person.... Possibly even more thrilling is the chance for an awesome rejection.

How often can you say that you've been able to give a Hollywood-worthy rejection? Not everybody can rattle off the number for The Rejection Hotline on queue. Not all of us have witty one-liners on hand to reject advances. So when you do think up the perfect, movie-like rejection, it's hard not to fantasize about how it would play out.

For a while now I've had my own little rejection fantasy... Have you ever seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog? If not, go have a friend slap you in the face, then watch it online. My fantasy is a musical one. Just work with me here....

So imagine this:
You're out at some social gathering place (bar, bookstore, coffee shop, street fair, etc.) when some guy tries and fails to pick you up. Instead of just saying "No thanks" or "HAHAHAHA. No." Or however you typically reject people. A handful of friends pop out of seemingly nowhere and sing him a rejection, kind of like this:

You know what that would be?

Epic.

And Awesome.

Especially if you got it on video.... YouTube anyone?

Social Anxiety?

2011-08-01T08:07:00.000-08:00

I don't know when it happened.... I used to be extremely comfortable in almost any social situation. Or maybe I really wasn't, and that's why I drank myself out of college that first year. Actually, that would explain it...

So I went to the Papa Roach concert on Friday night. Everything was fine until we got there, when I had a miniature panic attack inside my head. I still haven't gotten used to the social awkwardness and anxiety that seem to have either sprung up out of nowhere or grown from an annoyance into a condition. So I drank. I drank so that I wouldn't feel awkward. Then I saw K, who reminded me of my awkwardness in dating, so I drank more. Then I had drank enough that I didn't care, so I kept drinking. Meanwhile, my inner me was curled up in the fetal position in the darkest recesses of my brain whimpering and wishing we could just go home.

I remember years ago when I wasn't afraid of social situations. I walked in with as much confidence as I could muster and being in a crowd didn't bother me. Maybe I have a lingering fear of my ex and this anxiety is my brain's way of screaming "It's hard to pick an individual out of a crowd!" Maybe the anxiety was always there and my confidence back then was fake, I just never noticed because I was desperate to reach out to other people. Maybe it's another one of those things that develops over time, like my OCD... Whatever the reason for it, it has made going out to concerts and bars near traumatic for me.

So my solution is to just stop going. If I don't go then I can't get freaked out, right? Besides, staying at home with my son, enjoying the occasional glass of wine (because I want to, not because I need to calm my nerves), and only seeing the people I already know really doesn't seem so bad. In fact, it seems nice. It seems wonderful. It certainly seems far less traumatic. Plus, I really like my comfort zone, it's safe and relaxing and I don't have panic attacks inside of it. It's a good place to be.

And the next person that mentions getting out of it should think
about this fish. He got out of his comfort zone, now look at him...
...Just saying...